So, with the kind permission of the inquiring readers, I'm going to start posting their questions and my answers here. I would ask that you buy my new book, How to be a Healthy and Happy Submissive, LOL, because that contains all the answers I have to give in a convenient, easily referenced place.
But today's email brings me this question:
Good morning, I hope this message is finding you having an amazing start to your weekend! I am writing to you to ask for your advice.
I am not a submissive and because of my Alpha personality I do not know that I ever could be.....that being said there is a huge part of me that wants to experience it. I would love to be able to have my boyfriend and I experiment in that lifestyle and learn some things in order to have that as an option in our sexual arsenal. I am a control freak in my daily life (my job requires it) and I am also a full time single mother so I am basically in control of absolutely everything 24/7 and I have always found the concept of being submissive and having someone else take control so appealing but I am not entirely sure I know how to approach this with the guy that I am dating or where we would go to learn. I have an exceptional interest in being bound; the idea of having enough trust in someone to immobilize me and knowing that I cannot do anything except experience pleasure is such an incredible thought.
My other issue is that I am NOT a small girl at all. I am almost 5'10" and am over 200 pounds. I wear a size 16 jeans so I tend to be a little bit self conscious and that prevents me from being able to cut loose as much as I really want to. I am in the process of attempting to get more exercise and eat better but sometimes it is truly hard to do so.
I guess I am just asking if you think that this is just some kind of curiosity thing that I will be able to satisfy just by continuing to read up on it or if this is actually something that I should try to further explore.
An Alpha Female
First of all, what you are describing is not the least bit unusual. With everyone except my master (and sometimes even with him, lol!) I am very much an Alpha myself. There are many strong, independent women and men who enjoy some level of submissive precisely because it does allow them to finally let go and simply be in the moment without having to be in control of it. I don't know if you've read "Fifty Shades of Grey," but in the real world, Christian Grey is far more likely to be a submissive than a dominant.
There are also people who consider themselves switches because they enjoy doing both. Sometimes they are the dominant partner, sometimes they like being the submissive partner.
A lot of people think that submission and dominance have to be somehow "permanent" decisions that describe you twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. For a small percentage of people, it is, but far more people use D/s (dominance/submission) as something to spice up their relationships, that they engage in only on "date nights" or when the kids are out of the house. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a little role play just to have fun and add another dimension of intimacy to your relationship.
You also mention being interested in bondage. You can enjoy bondage without a submissive at all, though it certainly enhances the experience. There are people who enjoy doing a lot of things associated with submission — bondage, spankings, etc. — without ever giving up any of their personal power. They just like doing that particular activity.
Should you try to explore this? Definitely! You don't want to be ninety years old on the porch of the nursing home thinking, "You know, I wish I'd tried X, Y and Z back then." Talk to your boyfriend about it. Just tell him you read something or saw something and was thinking it might be kinda hot to be tied up and teased. He'll probably like the idea. He might even say, "Cool! Can you tie me up afterward?"
My only concern is that you do it SAFELY. Rope bondage can be tricky, because there is a right way to tie someone up and lots of wrong ways. You want to make sure that you or your partner tie a knot that is easy to untie in case something unexpected happens. Even if you are tying a "safe" knot, get a pair of EMT scissors and keep them nearby, just in case you get a muscle spasm or a panic attack or your mother shows up at the front door unexpectedly. Don't use handcuffs -- they are uncomfortable, people always lose the key, and they can cause nerve injury if used for extended periods.
A even better option is a nice soft set of ankle and wrist cuffs. You can adjust them to fit you, and attach them with a carabiner to a rope tied to the bed. Easy on, easy off, and you can buy them online or at the local adult bookstore.THEN if you enjoy that, you can get a book on bondage that shows how to tie knots and things, if you want to go that far.
There are lots of books out there that can give you hints on how to talk to your boyfriend, how to tie knots, all the ways you can role play and experiment. In fact, I just wrote one, lol. Mine is especially slanted toward how to begin exploration and how to find your local kinky community to learn more in person from experienced kinksters.
But you can also try Jay Wiseman's SM 101, or his specifically bondage book or Dr. Gloria Brame's Come Hither.
And about your size…. good lord, girl! We weight about the same but I'm about eight inches shorter! I understand being self conscious, believe me, but life is too short to let it stop you from enjoying yourself. Don't be intimated because all the books and movies show these skinny little barbies doing this stuff. In real life, all ages, shapes and sizes do this and have a damned good time.
I wish you the best of luck!