What is BDSM, anyway?
Communication and Terminology: Getting on the Same Page
Communication is vital to this lifestyle, and you cannot effectively communicate if everybody isn’t using the same language. Keep in mind that while many terms have been greatly defined through the use of the internet, there is no rulebook or dictionary that everybody in every part of the world uses exclusively. I’ve tried to find the most common and simplest definitions and I apologize in advance for any mistakes I may make.
If you come out of this presentation remembering only one thing, I hope it's that BDSM means different things to different people – there is no carved-in-stone formula except that you and your partner find what works for you.
BDSM encompasses a huge variety of lifestyles, fetishes, activities and kinks. Think of a huge menu that includes every possible sexual expression you can think of -- and many you never dreamed existed -- and it is part of this buffet we call BDSM. Each individual picks and chooses as many of these activities as appeal to them. Yes, there are some exotic-sounding dishes on this buffet, but not everybody tastes every dish, let alone makes it a part of their regular diet.
That is why tolerance and acceptance should be the cornerstone of our community.
In talking about terms we can start with BDSM itself. What does BDSM mean anyway? Be aware that BDSM is a generic blanket term.
If you come out of this presentation remembering only one thing, I hope it's that BDSM means different things to different people – there is no carved-in-stone formula except that you and your partner find what works for you.
BDSM encompasses a huge variety of lifestyles, fetishes, activities and kinks. Think of a huge menu that includes every possible sexual expression you can think of -- and many you never dreamed existed -- and it is part of this buffet we call BDSM. Each individual picks and chooses as many of these activities as appeal to them. Yes, there are some exotic-sounding dishes on this buffet, but not everybody tastes every dish, let alone makes it a part of their regular diet.
That is why tolerance and acceptance should be the cornerstone of our community.
In talking about terms we can start with BDSM itself. What does BDSM mean anyway? Be aware that BDSM is a generic blanket term.
BDSM is generally accepted as an acronym for:
- Bondage – that is restraint of any kind; most common is rope bondage, but it can also include chains, cuffs, types of clothing like corsets and hoods.
- Discipline – the use of corporal punishment in conjunction with rules of behavior
- Dominance and Submission – when one participant "takes" control over another, while the other "gives up" their control to the dominant partner.
- SadoMasochism – the sexual enjoyment from either the infliction of or experiencing of pain and suffering. (The terms "sadist" and "masochist" have different connotations in BDSM than in the popular press or the psychology profession, and do not imply nonconsensual, uncaring, or undesirable behavior.) A common question asked by newcomers is: How can anyone like to experience pain? There are as many answers as there are people who like it. For some people, pain is directly erotic. Some people have orgasms from being flogged; others are highly aroused by nipple clamps. For others, pain is often accompanied by internal chemical reactions, most notably the release of brain chemicals called endorphins.
ENDORPHINS: A group of morphine-like hormones secreted by the brain when the body is under unusual stress, which fit into the brain's opiod receptors and stimulate them to fire, producing tranquilizing and pain-killing properties that appear to help induce a sort of euphoria; some people report feeling a state of well-being similar to endorphin euphoria after experiencing intense sensations such as those associated with prolonged flogging. Marathon runners often speak of the "endorphin rush."
Sometimes someone will say there are “into” BDSM, when what they really mean is that they are bondage, or into dominance and submission, or it may only mean they enjoy spanking or being spanked.
What gets confusing for some is that all these activities or orientations very often overlap. BUT THEY DON’T HAVE TO, and they don’t for everyone.
You can enjoy being tied up and not be a submissive. You can enjoy applying discipline and not be a sadist. You can enjoy dominance and submission and not be into any of these activities.
Confusing? Perhaps. But consider all sexuality as an all-you-can-eat buffet.
No one eats everything on a buffet. You know at once that some things -- fried chicken? chocolate cake? -- appeal to you, but other things look interesting, too, and if you are adventurous, you put just a little on your plate to see if you like it. If you do like it, you go back for more. If you don't, you are allowed to make a face and spit it out, and leave the rest on your plate. (But you aren't allowed to point at someone else's plate and go, "Eeeewww, how can you even think about eating that?")
If you look at a buffet in any restaurant, you'd be hard pressed to find two people with exactly the same thing on their plates, in the same proportion.
And no one is going to tell you what you have to eat (though they may say, "You gotta try the sushi, it's fabulous!") nor are they going to tell you that you can't create something entirely new from the buffet items -- if you wanna stir jambalaya into your mashed potatoes and pour thousand island dressing over it, go for it, if that's what your taste buds are craving.
But generally BDSM is defined as a sexual orientation or behavior among two or more adult partners that may include, but is not limited to, the use of physical and/or psychological stimulation to produce sexual arousal and satisfaction.
Usually one partner will take an active role (top or dominant) and the other will take a passive role (bottom or submissive).
It may be more important to say what BDSM is not.
What gets confusing for some is that all these activities or orientations very often overlap. BUT THEY DON’T HAVE TO, and they don’t for everyone.
You can enjoy being tied up and not be a submissive. You can enjoy applying discipline and not be a sadist. You can enjoy dominance and submission and not be into any of these activities.
Confusing? Perhaps. But consider all sexuality as an all-you-can-eat buffet.
No one eats everything on a buffet. You know at once that some things -- fried chicken? chocolate cake? -- appeal to you, but other things look interesting, too, and if you are adventurous, you put just a little on your plate to see if you like it. If you do like it, you go back for more. If you don't, you are allowed to make a face and spit it out, and leave the rest on your plate. (But you aren't allowed to point at someone else's plate and go, "Eeeewww, how can you even think about eating that?")
If you look at a buffet in any restaurant, you'd be hard pressed to find two people with exactly the same thing on their plates, in the same proportion.
And no one is going to tell you what you have to eat (though they may say, "You gotta try the sushi, it's fabulous!") nor are they going to tell you that you can't create something entirely new from the buffet items -- if you wanna stir jambalaya into your mashed potatoes and pour thousand island dressing over it, go for it, if that's what your taste buds are craving.
But generally BDSM is defined as a sexual orientation or behavior among two or more adult partners that may include, but is not limited to, the use of physical and/or psychological stimulation to produce sexual arousal and satisfaction.
Usually one partner will take an active role (top or dominant) and the other will take a passive role (bottom or submissive).
It may be more important to say what BDSM is not.
What BDSM is NOT:
- BDSM is NOT a mental illness: According to the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) which defines currently recognized mental disorders, SM per se is NOT a mental disorder. In their diagnostic criteria for both sexual masochism and sexual sadism, the DSM-IV states that SM only becomes a diagnosable dysfunction when it impairs a person’s ability to function in day-to-day life. When: "the fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.”
- Healthy BDSM is when two or more adults consent to exchange energy, power, sensations or experiences (however mild or extreme) in ways that fuel their mutual happiness and fulfillment. Both parties are actively invested in the well-being of each other and themselves.
- BDSM is NOT about abuse or violence. BDSM is voluntary. BDSM is consensual. BDSM partners are informed. BDSM partners ask for and enjoy the behavior. BDSM partners take great care to make sure that their activities are as safe as possible.
For some, BDSM is a way to spice up their relationships; it may never extend outside the bedroom. They may only practice BDSM on the weekends, or when the kids are away. For others it is a way of living life, and you'll hear these people describe themselves as "24-7."
Neither is right or wrong, better or worse, though unfortunately you may run into someone who will try to tell you that their way is the only right way. All of us came into this lifestyle to express who we really are, to satisfy needs and desires that are an intrinsic part of us. It’s just as foolish to assume that one-size-fits all in the Leather community as it was in the vanilla world.
One of the terms you’ll hear a lot that is central to BDSM is:
Neither is right or wrong, better or worse, though unfortunately you may run into someone who will try to tell you that their way is the only right way. All of us came into this lifestyle to express who we really are, to satisfy needs and desires that are an intrinsic part of us. It’s just as foolish to assume that one-size-fits all in the Leather community as it was in the vanilla world.
One of the terms you’ll hear a lot that is central to BDSM is:
POWER EXCHANGE:
- Power exchange is specifically the D/s (dominance/submission) area of BDSM. Refers to the psychological components of BDSM (as opposed to the physical components) when the partners agree to an exchange of power, ownership, command, or property rights. The submissive consensually transfers their power to the dominant. The power actually goes both ways because the dominant, by controlling and caring for the submissive, actually empowers the submissive to be who and what they truly are.
The degree to which someone gives over or accepts power over another is a matter of personal choice. There is no rule that says if you are a submissive, you MUST do this.
Some people who practice D/s don’t feel it has anything to do with the other activities we’ll talk about. I’ve heard one online D/s practitioner say that he lives a D/s lifestyle, and all the rest of it is just kinky sex. And conversely, some people believe they can practice bondage and SM without any kind of power exchange at all.
There is another school of thought that believes that EVERY BDSM relationship, whether casual or long-term, involves an exchange of power. The only difference is that some power exchanges are situational and very limited, while others are all-encompassing. A situational power exchange might occur on a date between two consenting parties and end when the date is over. It may only last for a scene. In a defined relationship, the exchange might continue even when the people are apart. Many more people fall somewhere in between the two extremes.
A lot of people will use top and dominant interchangeably, as well as bottom and submissive. In my personal terminology, top and dominant, and bottom and submissive mean two different things because there are really two distinct types of personalities and behaviors that need to be defined.
I myself – and many others -- use the terms “bottoms” and “tops” when we are referring to kinky play that does not involve a power exchange.
Some people who practice D/s don’t feel it has anything to do with the other activities we’ll talk about. I’ve heard one online D/s practitioner say that he lives a D/s lifestyle, and all the rest of it is just kinky sex. And conversely, some people believe they can practice bondage and SM without any kind of power exchange at all.
There is another school of thought that believes that EVERY BDSM relationship, whether casual or long-term, involves an exchange of power. The only difference is that some power exchanges are situational and very limited, while others are all-encompassing. A situational power exchange might occur on a date between two consenting parties and end when the date is over. It may only last for a scene. In a defined relationship, the exchange might continue even when the people are apart. Many more people fall somewhere in between the two extremes.
A lot of people will use top and dominant interchangeably, as well as bottom and submissive. In my personal terminology, top and dominant, and bottom and submissive mean two different things because there are really two distinct types of personalities and behaviors that need to be defined.
I myself – and many others -- use the terms “bottoms” and “tops” when we are referring to kinky play that does not involve a power exchange.
What is a DOMINANT?
- Dominant is a personality trait; dominants are generally confident, they like to be in charge; they are “natural” leaders. This is not to be confused with “domineering.” It’s the difference between a leader and a bully. A dominant accepts responsibility as well as authority. Many dominants are sadists; many are not. Many dominants feel a very compelling need to care for and protect their submissives. Again, the degree to which a dominant exercises control over their submissive is a matter of personal choice. Some dominants choose to micromanage the smallest details of their sub’s life, down to what they eat and what they wear, when they may go to the bathroom. Many others simply set general guidelines and leave it to the submissive to figure out the best way to fulfill them.
- Dominant: a dominant may be male or female. Generally a female dominant is referred to as a Domme (NOT a dominatrix, which usually refers to a professional domme, one who provides the service of domination for payment.) Many dominants feel that this is “who they are” whereas being a “top” or “topping” is what they do.
Some dominants don’t feel they “choose” to be dominant or to take a dominant role – it is simply what comes naturally to them. They feel likewise that you cannot learn to be a dominant.
Some, however – and I’m one of them – believe that most of us have some dominant traits and some submissive traits. And the beauty of this lifestyle is that you can choose which aspect of your personality you want to explore. Some would say that this is where a “switch” comes from.
Some, however – and I’m one of them – believe that most of us have some dominant traits and some submissive traits. And the beauty of this lifestyle is that you can choose which aspect of your personality you want to explore. Some would say that this is where a “switch” comes from.
SWITCH:
- A switch is someone who enjoys both roles: sometimes they are dominant, sometimes they are submissive. Sometimes are always dominant with a specific partner but submissive to others, or vice versa. Some switches are completely at ease with taking either role with anybody – it all depends on what their mood or “headspace” is at the time.
TOPS & BOTTOMS:
A “top” is a role one assumes. Topping is taking the active role in a “scene,” usually “giving” sensation or pain or controlling the scene. But whereas most dominants feel that they are always dominant – topping is generally considered to end when the scene ends. Again, it’s an activity, not a state of being. You can drive the car, and still not be the chauffeur.
A dominant may be a top, but a top does not have to be a dominant. I am primarily submissive, but I can and do top sometimes. I have known slaves that have been trained to top their masters or mistresses.
How is this possible? Because some dominants may also be masochists – they enjoy or eroticise pain, or they may simply enjoy the pleasures of ‘bottoming” – having certain things done to them. Those submissives trained to “top” their masters or mistresses do so precisely because it gives their dominant pleasure.
The idea that you can choose which aspect of your personality to explore also explains those people whose BDSM life is the exact opposite of their day-to-day vanilla life. It is very common to find people in high-powered authority positions – doctors, lawyers, corporate CEOs – who choose to be submissive in their BDSM life because they need that release, because it excites them to let go of that control.
A dominant may be a top, but a top does not have to be a dominant. I am primarily submissive, but I can and do top sometimes. I have known slaves that have been trained to top their masters or mistresses.
How is this possible? Because some dominants may also be masochists – they enjoy or eroticise pain, or they may simply enjoy the pleasures of ‘bottoming” – having certain things done to them. Those submissives trained to “top” their masters or mistresses do so precisely because it gives their dominant pleasure.
The idea that you can choose which aspect of your personality to explore also explains those people whose BDSM life is the exact opposite of their day-to-day vanilla life. It is very common to find people in high-powered authority positions – doctors, lawyers, corporate CEOs – who choose to be submissive in their BDSM life because they need that release, because it excites them to let go of that control.
So what's the difference between a dominant and a master/mistress?
Unfortunately there is no worldwide BDSM board of standards that decides who is qualified to be a master or mistress. Anybody who can type can get on the internet and call themselves “Lord Master High Mucky-Mucky of the House of Pretentious Wannabes.” With very few exceptions, those kinds of titles mean absolutely nothing.
"The Old Guard"
- BDSM has always been around in one form or another, but BDSM as most of us know it began with the Old Guard – referring to the exclusively gay male BDSM leather culture that rose up after WWII. Old Guard members took a highly regimented, quasi-militaristic approach to power exchange and leathersex.
In the Old Guard, no one could become a “master” until they had served as a submissive. That is how they trained new masters. Very few people do this anymore. (And btw, when someone describes themselves as “Old Guard” or “Old School,” they generally mean that they were trained in the old style, working their way up. Then again, they may just like the way it makes them sound more important and may be lying completely.)
Please keep in mind that I write from the heterosexual viewpoint; while most of the same ideas apply, the gay community has its own traditions and viewpoints, and to them, "leather" is a completely different thing from what most heterosexuals call "leather." I would never presume to claim expert knowledge of their community. With rare exceptions, the gay community chooses to keep itself separate from the heterosexual community, partly as a result of lingering homophobia among hets, which I find strange considering both lifestyles are based on acceptance of personal sexual expression. But in the gay leather community, there is a very definite procedure and ritual for "earning your leathers," piece by piece (i.e. a cap, a vest, etc.), that correlates to someone's right to be called a top or dominant.
Generally, a person earns the title “Master” or “Mistress” when they have earned the trust of those who serve or submit to them. When I entered into a bdsm relationship with a specific dominant, I chose to call him “Master.” (Actually, I always addressed him as Sir. He didn’t particularly like being addressed as master.)
No one has the right to insist you address them as such unless you are in a negotiated relationship with them.
Generally, we all use the rules of common courtesy: “sir” and ‘ma’m” are simply respectful ways to address anyone. Many people will say that they will respect someone’s desire to be addressed formally as “Master So-and-So” to be polite.
Because another major thing to remember is that whether you are a dominant or a submissive – you are not dominant or submissive to every person in the world, and other people generally don’t take it well when you assume that you are or that they are.
SUBMISSIVE:
I consider myself a submissive, because I have a need and desire to be dominated and/or controlled. Dominant men (and some women) excite me, and I have a “natural” tendency to want to obey and/or please dominant personalities.
But again, I am not submissive to everyone. I am submissive to those who fit my personal definition of a dominant. YOU have to trust and respect someone before submitting to them, whether short term in play, or a ‘scene’ – or in a relationship.
But there are times when I play that I am merely “bottoming,” not submitting in any real way. Sometime I want a good flogging, and I’m in it purely for the endorphin rush. I don’t really feel any pressing need to please the person topping me. When it stops being fun for me, I use my safeword and the play is over. That is bottoming.
Submitting, on the other hand, is when your primary motivation is to please the person to whom you have given even a temporary and limited control over you. You will do things you don’t enjoy – sometimes things you even fear and loathe – because the need to please and obey the dominant is that compelling and because doing so gives you pleasure or satisfaction.
That is not to say that if you are submissive, you have no rights or that you never say no. A submissive is not a doormat. Doormats are not fun to dominate. Most submissives I know are strong, capable individuals. You can’t give over your personal power to a dominant if you don’t have any power to begin with.
There are as many levels of submission as there are people who consider themselves submissive. ALL submissives and even slaves have definite “limits”.
But again, I am not submissive to everyone. I am submissive to those who fit my personal definition of a dominant. YOU have to trust and respect someone before submitting to them, whether short term in play, or a ‘scene’ – or in a relationship.
But there are times when I play that I am merely “bottoming,” not submitting in any real way. Sometime I want a good flogging, and I’m in it purely for the endorphin rush. I don’t really feel any pressing need to please the person topping me. When it stops being fun for me, I use my safeword and the play is over. That is bottoming.
Submitting, on the other hand, is when your primary motivation is to please the person to whom you have given even a temporary and limited control over you. You will do things you don’t enjoy – sometimes things you even fear and loathe – because the need to please and obey the dominant is that compelling and because doing so gives you pleasure or satisfaction.
That is not to say that if you are submissive, you have no rights or that you never say no. A submissive is not a doormat. Doormats are not fun to dominate. Most submissives I know are strong, capable individuals. You can’t give over your personal power to a dominant if you don’t have any power to begin with.
There are as many levels of submission as there are people who consider themselves submissive. ALL submissives and even slaves have definite “limits”.
LIMITS:
Limits are boundaries of consent as negotiated between partners, including activities in which one person does not wish to participate. This is what negotiation is all about. You talk about what activities you are interested in experiencing, and which activities that are off-limits.
Limits can be anything a person wants them to be. A surprisingly common limit is "No tickling!" Other common limits include "No drawing blood," "No permanent damage," "No blindfolding me," "No tying me up," "No oral sex without a condom," "No humiliation," " No sex with anyone not of my preferred gender," etc. Limits can be as arbitrary as you want. Tops also have limits and often state them during negotiations. Some tops have limits against drawing blood, or genital contact, or specific types of play they don’t enjoy.
Limits can be anything a person wants them to be. A surprisingly common limit is "No tickling!" Other common limits include "No drawing blood," "No permanent damage," "No blindfolding me," "No tying me up," "No oral sex without a condom," "No humiliation," " No sex with anyone not of my preferred gender," etc. Limits can be as arbitrary as you want. Tops also have limits and often state them during negotiations. Some tops have limits against drawing blood, or genital contact, or specific types of play they don’t enjoy.
- hard limits: the maximum edge of someone's negotiated limit. In some cases, a hard limit is a personal choice; I personally cannot tolerate being tickled. in others, it is a necessity to safeguard the submissive's health. For example, if the submissive is allergic to latex, any latex product is a "hard limit."
- pushing limits: By consent, submissives agree to let the dominant push him or her to a limit and slightly beyond. Most commonly this occurs when the submissive believes his limits stem from an irrational fear that he hopes the dominant will help him to overcome.
- respecting limits: A fundamental ethic among kinky people is to treat limits as a sacred trust, and never to violate the submissive's trust by non-consensually exceeding their limits.
For a top to violate intentionally a bottom's stated limits or boundaries is nonconsensual and unethical. This is why negotiation is so vital. You can negotiate a relationship or a specific scene.
NEGOTIATION:
- NEGOTIATION IN REGARDS TO A RELATIONSHIP is the communication aimed at reaching a clear, consensual agreement with your partner about the type of relationship you will have and the kinds of kinky things you will do together. The negotiation process lasts as long as the couple needs to hammer these things out--it could be days, weeks, months or even years. Couples also may re-negotiate terms periodically as their relationship evolves and their needs change.
- NEGOTIATING A SCENE involves a much narrower type of dialogue, in which partners only decide on what they will do during a scene or "play."
Negotiation here does not mean just haggling about details of what a person will and won't do, but instead is a term that covers all manner of discussion and flirtation about what each partner actively enjoys, will tolerate, and absolutely will not tolerate. It is a fact that BDSM often involves activities that are unusual in vanilla sex. Clearing some matters up in advance can mean the difference between having a great time and leaving yourself open for disaster right when things are most promising.
A common refrain in BDSM is that BDSM activities should be Safe, Sane, and Consensual (or SSC).
A common refrain in BDSM is that BDSM activities should be Safe, Sane, and Consensual (or SSC).
SAFE, SANE AND CONSENSUAL:
But what does that mean, really? Your idea of safe and sane, and my idea of safe and sane may not be the same; they may not even be in the same neighborhood. I don’t think motorcycles are safe or sane, but people ride them everyday.
Driving a car is the probably the most dangerous thing most of do every single day. People are seriously injured and killed every day in car accidents. So we take precautions to make driving as safe as possible. We have to pass a drivers test to get a license and we have to learn safety rules. We wear a seat belt. Automakers install airbags. We learn to pay careful attention to the road and the drivers around us.
So just like driving a car, there are risks in every single BDSM activity. Nothing we do is 100% risk-free, and it’s dangerous to kid ourselves that it is. Bondage is one of the most common types of play that people engage in, but it can also be the single most dangerous.
So what do we mean by safe?
SAFE means we take no risks that can easily be avoided. We find out as much as we can about safe techniques and safety concerns associated with any given activity. And that we engage in those activities prepared for things that can go wrong. For example. If you are into bondage, one of the best things you can do for your safety or that of your partner is to get a pair of medical scissors and keep them nearby whenever you play, so that if something goes wrong – someone gets dizzy, pulls a muscle, has a seizure or the house catches on fire, you can release them quickly.
Safety includes the responsibility of protecting yourself and your partner from STD (sexually transmitted disease) infection including the HIV virus.
SANE is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality. Fictional accounts of SM are often distorted for fantasy's sake, and are not representative of real situations and relationships. You might have fantasies about being someone's property, but you have to know you still have the right to say no, or walk away, at any time. It's knowing that just because you saw something on a porn site, you shouldn't try to do it at home. (Many of the bondage models are amazing professionals who have trained their bodies and their endurance much like a professional athlete. To think that a regular person can be tied in some of those extreme positions is just crazy.)
If you think that you can really and truly do anything you want to your "slave," then you are not operating within the bounds of reality. If you think that just because someone calls himself a "master," that means he knows exactly what he is doing and that he is doing it safely, you are not operating within the realms of reality, either. Believing that nothing can ever go wrong in a scene is another form of delusion.
Sane also distinguishes between mental illness and health. A real distinction between mental illness and health is when a behavior pattern causes problems in a person’s life. Washing your hands until the skin is peeling off, or so frequently that you can not otherwise function, is a sign mental illness. SM, like any other behavior, can be a sign of psychiatric problems. However the vast majority of its practitioners find that SM enriches and promotes functionality in the other areas of their life.
CONSENSUAL is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times.
Consent is the prime ingredient of SM. One difference between rape and heterosexual intercourse is consent. One difference between violence and SM is consent. The same behaviors that might be crimes without consent are life-enhancing with consent.
Driving a car is the probably the most dangerous thing most of do every single day. People are seriously injured and killed every day in car accidents. So we take precautions to make driving as safe as possible. We have to pass a drivers test to get a license and we have to learn safety rules. We wear a seat belt. Automakers install airbags. We learn to pay careful attention to the road and the drivers around us.
So just like driving a car, there are risks in every single BDSM activity. Nothing we do is 100% risk-free, and it’s dangerous to kid ourselves that it is. Bondage is one of the most common types of play that people engage in, but it can also be the single most dangerous.
So what do we mean by safe?
SAFE means we take no risks that can easily be avoided. We find out as much as we can about safe techniques and safety concerns associated with any given activity. And that we engage in those activities prepared for things that can go wrong. For example. If you are into bondage, one of the best things you can do for your safety or that of your partner is to get a pair of medical scissors and keep them nearby whenever you play, so that if something goes wrong – someone gets dizzy, pulls a muscle, has a seizure or the house catches on fire, you can release them quickly.
Safety includes the responsibility of protecting yourself and your partner from STD (sexually transmitted disease) infection including the HIV virus.
SANE is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality. Fictional accounts of SM are often distorted for fantasy's sake, and are not representative of real situations and relationships. You might have fantasies about being someone's property, but you have to know you still have the right to say no, or walk away, at any time. It's knowing that just because you saw something on a porn site, you shouldn't try to do it at home. (Many of the bondage models are amazing professionals who have trained their bodies and their endurance much like a professional athlete. To think that a regular person can be tied in some of those extreme positions is just crazy.)
If you think that you can really and truly do anything you want to your "slave," then you are not operating within the bounds of reality. If you think that just because someone calls himself a "master," that means he knows exactly what he is doing and that he is doing it safely, you are not operating within the realms of reality, either. Believing that nothing can ever go wrong in a scene is another form of delusion.
Sane also distinguishes between mental illness and health. A real distinction between mental illness and health is when a behavior pattern causes problems in a person’s life. Washing your hands until the skin is peeling off, or so frequently that you can not otherwise function, is a sign mental illness. SM, like any other behavior, can be a sign of psychiatric problems. However the vast majority of its practitioners find that SM enriches and promotes functionality in the other areas of their life.
CONSENSUAL is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times.
Consent is the prime ingredient of SM. One difference between rape and heterosexual intercourse is consent. One difference between violence and SM is consent. The same behaviors that might be crimes without consent are life-enhancing with consent.
SAFEWORDS:
One of the most common tools of communication within a scene is called a safeword. A safeword is any word, phrase, or action that the bottom (or sometimes even the top) can utter or do that causes whatever is going on in the scene to stop or pause. Agreed-upon safewords are taken very seriously; if a top is caught ignoring a safeword, they are often ostracized if not outright banned from the community.
People use whatever they feel comfortable with as safewords. But universally "red" means "Stop the scene completely now!" and "yellow" means "What you are doing is not so great and you should probably switch to another activity unless you want me to say 'red' in another minute."
If the bottom cannot speak during the scene (say, because the bottom is gagged), a common safeword mechanism is for the top to give the bottom a toy or bandana to drop if they need to stop.
Using “no” as a safeword is not generally recommended because some of us tend to say, “no, please, no stop!’ when we really mean YES YES!
Safewords are necessary and invaluable communication tools. Not just because it lets the sub or bottom feel safe, but because sometimes things happen that no one anticipated. Someone may get dizzy, or have a sudden charley horse. It also gives the top confidence in knowing that the sub is going to give them the feedback they need. No dominant or top wants a scene to go bad, and no matter how good a top may be, they are not able to read minds. It’s an unfair burden on the top or dominant to expect them to.
Some couples, when they have played together long enough and learned each other well enough will tell you they no longer use safewords. That is a personal choice they have the right to make, but it is really a bad idea for those just beginning to explore their own desires and limits to not use a safeword.
Some couples don’t want to use a safeword because they feel it puts the real power in the hands of the submissive. How can you submit to someone when you know you can stop the scene with a single word? It’s a paradox that can really sabotage the mindset you’re trying to experience.
However, you have to keep in mind, a safeword is not intended to be used lightly. And most submissives have a hard time making themselves use a safeword, because the last thing they want to do is disappoint their dominant. Other submissives may go so deeply into a trance-like state of what we refer to as “subspace” that they are physically unable to speak at all. These are two things the dominant or top needs to be aware of, and why beginning slowly when you are new to this is so important.
However, one important warning to consider when talking to a prospective partner is that a top who insists that a bottom may not ever safeword is a poor choice for a novice bottom. BDSM is a risky activity, and a top who refuses to allow the bottom any way out, no matter how miserable the bottom is during the experience, may be forcing the bottom into a nonconsensual situation. Many tops play safely and well with no safewords; but if a top or dom insists on no safeword, be extremely wary.
Because so many novice bottoms or subs are reluctant to disappoint their dominants, tops should be careful to reassure their bottoms that they want the bottom to let them know if there is a serious problem. If the bottom does safeword, the top should certainly investigate why the safeword occurred. But also, it is important for the top to avoid discouraging the safeword by showing distaste or disappointment that the activity or scene was curtailed. To discourage the use of safeword is to risk bending consent and to risk damaging the bottom's precious trust. That is, safewords are generally "no-fault."
Some people cannot bring themselves to safeword because they are challenging themselves to see what they can endure. Obviously this risks self-damage. Responsible tops suspecting this usually work to assess the bottom's goals and motives, and talk frankly with the bottom so that both partners understand their responsibilities if emotional or physical harm should occur as a result. This kind of play does sometimes occur consensually, with both parties agreeing to the risks in order to see where things go. Sometimes the goal of such play is to push the bottom to the point where the bottom does finally safeword. Experienced tops can in fact often find ways to push someone that hard with relative safety, but doing so without both partners understanding the risks is inadvisable.
Because opinions are like assholes: everybody's got one
There is absolutely NO combination of the activities that isn't okay as long as they are safe, sane and consensual. If you only want to submit to or dominate one person or a dozen, in the privacy of your bedroom or in the kitchen, or only when there's a full moon in months starting with the letter J, that's perfectly fine.
If anybody tries to tell you different -- and believe me, there are people out there just itching to do that -- smile and walk away. They are either well-meaning morons or pigheaded assholes or both.
I dislike the word "true" attached to any noun, especially "true dominant" or "true submissive." When discussions get ugly online, someone always ends up lobbing that holy hand grenade of narrow-minded judgement: "That's not true submission. He/she's not a true dominant."
Instead I like to think in levels of submission, or the depth of it. All of us submit to someone at some point in time. Parents, teachers, bosses. Even in a marriage, one partner often submits or dominants in a particular area, depending on their desires and natural aptitude. One balances the checkbook, while another does the laundry. He never cares where they go for dinner; she likes to pick which movies they rent.
It can be easier if you think of dominance and submission as shifting that balance slowly in one direction. But even in a lot of M/s relationships, you'll find certain divisions of responsibilities that may not change. Some slaves/submissives may still balance the checkbook and pay the bills -- because that is the way the dominant wants it, and usually (if they are a good dominant) he/she wants it that way because it just works better for the both of them. Some dominants and some subs want to control or be controlled in things like using the bathroom, asking to leave the room, what they wear and eat. Others don't really care for such micromanagement; they don't need or want it.
What you feel and how you do it matters more than what you're doing. I can sit naked at Sir's feet, but if my mind and heart aren't in the right place, it means nothing. On the other hand, if I'm feeling that rush of adoration and gratitude that comes after a great play, there is no place I'd rather be than at his feet.
Take it slowly
If you want to deepen your level of submission, start slowly. Let the trust build, whether it's in play or in general living. For the dominant, remember to ask only for what obedience the sub can successfully give you. Give only the amount of pain in play that you KNOW he/she can stand. Start with a short hand spanking before you move up to a paddle. Use a paddle before you move on to canes and whips.
To push too far, too fast only sets you both up for disappointment. For example, don't ask your submissive to always be naked at a play party (or just around the house) if you know he/she is really uncomfortable with nudity. Instead, ask him/her to spend one hour, or just fifteen minutes, naked at your feet. When they find they can do it, with your encouragement, they will be stronger the next time you "push" that "soft limit" for just a little longer. A submissive generally punishes themselves for failures far more harshly than their dominant ever can.
In any and all of these activities, trust and communication is the most important component. If you don't trust your partner, and cannot honestly communicate with him or her, you have no business messing around with BDSM. It is a very powerful magic.
People use whatever they feel comfortable with as safewords. But universally "red" means "Stop the scene completely now!" and "yellow" means "What you are doing is not so great and you should probably switch to another activity unless you want me to say 'red' in another minute."
If the bottom cannot speak during the scene (say, because the bottom is gagged), a common safeword mechanism is for the top to give the bottom a toy or bandana to drop if they need to stop.
Using “no” as a safeword is not generally recommended because some of us tend to say, “no, please, no stop!’ when we really mean YES YES!
Safewords are necessary and invaluable communication tools. Not just because it lets the sub or bottom feel safe, but because sometimes things happen that no one anticipated. Someone may get dizzy, or have a sudden charley horse. It also gives the top confidence in knowing that the sub is going to give them the feedback they need. No dominant or top wants a scene to go bad, and no matter how good a top may be, they are not able to read minds. It’s an unfair burden on the top or dominant to expect them to.
Some couples, when they have played together long enough and learned each other well enough will tell you they no longer use safewords. That is a personal choice they have the right to make, but it is really a bad idea for those just beginning to explore their own desires and limits to not use a safeword.
Some couples don’t want to use a safeword because they feel it puts the real power in the hands of the submissive. How can you submit to someone when you know you can stop the scene with a single word? It’s a paradox that can really sabotage the mindset you’re trying to experience.
However, you have to keep in mind, a safeword is not intended to be used lightly. And most submissives have a hard time making themselves use a safeword, because the last thing they want to do is disappoint their dominant. Other submissives may go so deeply into a trance-like state of what we refer to as “subspace” that they are physically unable to speak at all. These are two things the dominant or top needs to be aware of, and why beginning slowly when you are new to this is so important.
However, one important warning to consider when talking to a prospective partner is that a top who insists that a bottom may not ever safeword is a poor choice for a novice bottom. BDSM is a risky activity, and a top who refuses to allow the bottom any way out, no matter how miserable the bottom is during the experience, may be forcing the bottom into a nonconsensual situation. Many tops play safely and well with no safewords; but if a top or dom insists on no safeword, be extremely wary.
Because so many novice bottoms or subs are reluctant to disappoint their dominants, tops should be careful to reassure their bottoms that they want the bottom to let them know if there is a serious problem. If the bottom does safeword, the top should certainly investigate why the safeword occurred. But also, it is important for the top to avoid discouraging the safeword by showing distaste or disappointment that the activity or scene was curtailed. To discourage the use of safeword is to risk bending consent and to risk damaging the bottom's precious trust. That is, safewords are generally "no-fault."
Some people cannot bring themselves to safeword because they are challenging themselves to see what they can endure. Obviously this risks self-damage. Responsible tops suspecting this usually work to assess the bottom's goals and motives, and talk frankly with the bottom so that both partners understand their responsibilities if emotional or physical harm should occur as a result. This kind of play does sometimes occur consensually, with both parties agreeing to the risks in order to see where things go. Sometimes the goal of such play is to push the bottom to the point where the bottom does finally safeword. Experienced tops can in fact often find ways to push someone that hard with relative safety, but doing so without both partners understanding the risks is inadvisable.
Because opinions are like assholes: everybody's got one
There is absolutely NO combination of the activities that isn't okay as long as they are safe, sane and consensual. If you only want to submit to or dominate one person or a dozen, in the privacy of your bedroom or in the kitchen, or only when there's a full moon in months starting with the letter J, that's perfectly fine.
If anybody tries to tell you different -- and believe me, there are people out there just itching to do that -- smile and walk away. They are either well-meaning morons or pigheaded assholes or both.
I dislike the word "true" attached to any noun, especially "true dominant" or "true submissive." When discussions get ugly online, someone always ends up lobbing that holy hand grenade of narrow-minded judgement: "That's not true submission. He/she's not a true dominant."
Instead I like to think in levels of submission, or the depth of it. All of us submit to someone at some point in time. Parents, teachers, bosses. Even in a marriage, one partner often submits or dominants in a particular area, depending on their desires and natural aptitude. One balances the checkbook, while another does the laundry. He never cares where they go for dinner; she likes to pick which movies they rent.
It can be easier if you think of dominance and submission as shifting that balance slowly in one direction. But even in a lot of M/s relationships, you'll find certain divisions of responsibilities that may not change. Some slaves/submissives may still balance the checkbook and pay the bills -- because that is the way the dominant wants it, and usually (if they are a good dominant) he/she wants it that way because it just works better for the both of them. Some dominants and some subs want to control or be controlled in things like using the bathroom, asking to leave the room, what they wear and eat. Others don't really care for such micromanagement; they don't need or want it.
What you feel and how you do it matters more than what you're doing. I can sit naked at Sir's feet, but if my mind and heart aren't in the right place, it means nothing. On the other hand, if I'm feeling that rush of adoration and gratitude that comes after a great play, there is no place I'd rather be than at his feet.
Take it slowly
If you want to deepen your level of submission, start slowly. Let the trust build, whether it's in play or in general living. For the dominant, remember to ask only for what obedience the sub can successfully give you. Give only the amount of pain in play that you KNOW he/she can stand. Start with a short hand spanking before you move up to a paddle. Use a paddle before you move on to canes and whips.
To push too far, too fast only sets you both up for disappointment. For example, don't ask your submissive to always be naked at a play party (or just around the house) if you know he/she is really uncomfortable with nudity. Instead, ask him/her to spend one hour, or just fifteen minutes, naked at your feet. When they find they can do it, with your encouragement, they will be stronger the next time you "push" that "soft limit" for just a little longer. A submissive generally punishes themselves for failures far more harshly than their dominant ever can.
In any and all of these activities, trust and communication is the most important component. If you don't trust your partner, and cannot honestly communicate with him or her, you have no business messing around with BDSM. It is a very powerful magic.
