Thoughts on 24/7
M/s 24/7, imho, is the hardest thing in the BDSM world to accomplish. It takes a particular personality (beyond merely dominant and submissive) on both sides to even attempt it. I know some couples for whom it seems to work -- and some which (no offense to anyone) that I have to wonder if they are really as 24/7 as their "public" image would suggest. But who I am to judge? If it works for them.... and those that make it work, wow, I am in awe, sincerely -- though I can't imagine living that way.
I only have issues with those Master/slave 24/7s who exude a kinkier-than-thou attitude that they "really live it" while the rest of us are just "playing at it." I mean, what the hell is the difference, really? What works, works. Unfortunately I've been around long enough to run into the fabulous, knowledgeable and generous people as well as the annoyingly tedious pompous asses.
To make it work, you have to be adept at juggling and slipping in and out of role, because there are areas where you simply can't bring your kink as fully as you might like. Doctors' offices, legal issues like mortgages, business, child care, jobs, etc. Sure, if you have enough wealth that allows you to keep your slave(s) at home, and a career/family that allows you to be openly kinky, you can do a lot more with less interference. But most of us don't have that luxury.
The problem with that juggling and slipping in and out of role (again, my opinion) is that coming out of role can make it more difficult to get back into the necessary mindset.
I'll use my own experience as an example. And this is by no means true for everyone. When I began with my master, we were not friends, not lovers, not anything except Master and slave. No gray areas, no expectations, no baggage from "before." It was simple to know what complete obedience was, and we both wanted it.
It was complicated further by a master who was (and still is) a hard-playing sadist, not the doting Daddy dom, not the dom who wanted a princess in the daytime and a slut in the bedroom. Our fantasies, our needs, were much edgier, darker.
I found a certain amount of pain exciting, but mostly I found my pleasure in truly suffering -- enduring-- the pain he needed to inflict. This became the core of my submission. He had strict rules of what I was allowed to ask of him, expect of him. And in the beginning, I thrived on that. It fed the slave in me, and I needed him as my all-powerful god -- as much as he needed that power over me.
And it may also have been complicated by my having another relationship in which I got the tenderness and affection I need simply as a human being, not a slave -- so I could keep master on a pedestal as "Master" -- I didn't need or want those things from him. I needed, in fact, for him to put all of his wants and needs ahead of mine, or else I didn't feel I was truly submitting. It was much like the religious ecstasy of old-time saints and martyrs for me.
Some couples find no contradiction in "Master" and lover/friend. But for me it didn't work. For him it didn't work. I needed him as infallible and inflexible as God. Perhaps because I'm too independent, too "dominant" myself in personality, perhaps because i needed a certain level of intensity.
Fast forward a couple of years where we've become true lovers and friends. His level of play began to lighten, and his strict expectations relaxed a bit -- not because it filled his needs to do so, but because he loves me. He's far more aware of the aches and pains that follow play, the bruises and subdrop, physical and emotional risks -- as well as knowing, gee, she had a rough week at work, she's not feeling well, she has to get up early tomorrow.... life, in other words. Does this make him a weak master? A bad dominant? No, it simply brought some grey areas into what he needed. A master has needs as much as the sub/slave.
And as he became more a lover than a master, I found my expectations and needs sliding as well. When there are lapses in communication, and I've had that rough day or simply not feeling particularly "submissive" because of other distractions -- I found myself sometimes reacting to hard play and demands with a child's hurt: "How can you love me and hurt me like this? How can you ask me to do this when I really don't want to?"
In many ways, D/s relationships are like a child and parent. Sometimes the parent gives in because of their love for the child and the urge to comfort, to pet and pamper; sometimes the child rebels, and pushes against the discipline; sometimes the parent is just plain worn down and gives the child whatever toy he/she is shrieking for, lol. Some parents find it easier to be strict, others do not.
And as my slave was not being fed, finding it harder and harder to maintain the mindset of complete obedience, she sank more and more into the background. Master and i began to interact more as equals... and both "Master" and "slave" faded a little more.
Some people experience the same thing, and yet manage to continue an M/s relationship with certain limitations, perhaps, but it works for them. For me and my master... well, we both had a particular level of D/s in mind as our goal, and when it became obvious that neither of us could maintain that level, we decided mutually that we could no longer in good conscience call ourselves "master" and "slave."
After nearly nine years now, we're not actually sure what to call ourselves. He is my dominant, lover, friend and play partner. I am striving to deepen and broaden my submission to him, but for a lot of reasons -- some of which are more about my evolution in this lifestyle than about him -- I simply cannot be a slave anymore. It's just not in me. I spent several years grieving for that slave quite intensely. I spent more time blaming him for not being the "master" anymore, not realizing that I was equally guilty of not meeting his needs anymore.
It's not a failure, it's not that we are "playing at it." It simply is what it is, as we have to re-invent our D/s relationship in a way that works for us both. That is an ongoing process.
Again, this isn't the way it works for everybody, but i think many can understand the changes we went through.
Yes, there are ways that some couples manage to sustain their M/s relationships in spite of "real" life. In some other post, I could give you little rituals and practices that can be used to do this. It all depends on what you want and need.
So much depends on the dominant and submissive you want to be. Can a monogamous couple have "mom and sex" and "mom and sessions"? Of course, if that works for you. If you find that as hard as you try, one of you is still not getting quite what you need? Well, then you've got to look for other ways to fill those needs, or your relationship will be dogged by disatisfaction, longing, wondering "what if?" Same as any relationship.
More than anything, this lifestyle is about getting what you want and need to be a fulfilled, happy and balanced person.
I only have issues with those Master/slave 24/7s who exude a kinkier-than-thou attitude that they "really live it" while the rest of us are just "playing at it." I mean, what the hell is the difference, really? What works, works. Unfortunately I've been around long enough to run into the fabulous, knowledgeable and generous people as well as the annoyingly tedious pompous asses.
To make it work, you have to be adept at juggling and slipping in and out of role, because there are areas where you simply can't bring your kink as fully as you might like. Doctors' offices, legal issues like mortgages, business, child care, jobs, etc. Sure, if you have enough wealth that allows you to keep your slave(s) at home, and a career/family that allows you to be openly kinky, you can do a lot more with less interference. But most of us don't have that luxury.
The problem with that juggling and slipping in and out of role (again, my opinion) is that coming out of role can make it more difficult to get back into the necessary mindset.
I'll use my own experience as an example. And this is by no means true for everyone. When I began with my master, we were not friends, not lovers, not anything except Master and slave. No gray areas, no expectations, no baggage from "before." It was simple to know what complete obedience was, and we both wanted it.
It was complicated further by a master who was (and still is) a hard-playing sadist, not the doting Daddy dom, not the dom who wanted a princess in the daytime and a slut in the bedroom. Our fantasies, our needs, were much edgier, darker.
I found a certain amount of pain exciting, but mostly I found my pleasure in truly suffering -- enduring-- the pain he needed to inflict. This became the core of my submission. He had strict rules of what I was allowed to ask of him, expect of him. And in the beginning, I thrived on that. It fed the slave in me, and I needed him as my all-powerful god -- as much as he needed that power over me.
And it may also have been complicated by my having another relationship in which I got the tenderness and affection I need simply as a human being, not a slave -- so I could keep master on a pedestal as "Master" -- I didn't need or want those things from him. I needed, in fact, for him to put all of his wants and needs ahead of mine, or else I didn't feel I was truly submitting. It was much like the religious ecstasy of old-time saints and martyrs for me.
Some couples find no contradiction in "Master" and lover/friend. But for me it didn't work. For him it didn't work. I needed him as infallible and inflexible as God. Perhaps because I'm too independent, too "dominant" myself in personality, perhaps because i needed a certain level of intensity.
Fast forward a couple of years where we've become true lovers and friends. His level of play began to lighten, and his strict expectations relaxed a bit -- not because it filled his needs to do so, but because he loves me. He's far more aware of the aches and pains that follow play, the bruises and subdrop, physical and emotional risks -- as well as knowing, gee, she had a rough week at work, she's not feeling well, she has to get up early tomorrow.... life, in other words. Does this make him a weak master? A bad dominant? No, it simply brought some grey areas into what he needed. A master has needs as much as the sub/slave.
And as he became more a lover than a master, I found my expectations and needs sliding as well. When there are lapses in communication, and I've had that rough day or simply not feeling particularly "submissive" because of other distractions -- I found myself sometimes reacting to hard play and demands with a child's hurt: "How can you love me and hurt me like this? How can you ask me to do this when I really don't want to?"
In many ways, D/s relationships are like a child and parent. Sometimes the parent gives in because of their love for the child and the urge to comfort, to pet and pamper; sometimes the child rebels, and pushes against the discipline; sometimes the parent is just plain worn down and gives the child whatever toy he/she is shrieking for, lol. Some parents find it easier to be strict, others do not.
And as my slave was not being fed, finding it harder and harder to maintain the mindset of complete obedience, she sank more and more into the background. Master and i began to interact more as equals... and both "Master" and "slave" faded a little more.
Some people experience the same thing, and yet manage to continue an M/s relationship with certain limitations, perhaps, but it works for them. For me and my master... well, we both had a particular level of D/s in mind as our goal, and when it became obvious that neither of us could maintain that level, we decided mutually that we could no longer in good conscience call ourselves "master" and "slave."
After nearly nine years now, we're not actually sure what to call ourselves. He is my dominant, lover, friend and play partner. I am striving to deepen and broaden my submission to him, but for a lot of reasons -- some of which are more about my evolution in this lifestyle than about him -- I simply cannot be a slave anymore. It's just not in me. I spent several years grieving for that slave quite intensely. I spent more time blaming him for not being the "master" anymore, not realizing that I was equally guilty of not meeting his needs anymore.
It's not a failure, it's not that we are "playing at it." It simply is what it is, as we have to re-invent our D/s relationship in a way that works for us both. That is an ongoing process.
Again, this isn't the way it works for everybody, but i think many can understand the changes we went through.
Yes, there are ways that some couples manage to sustain their M/s relationships in spite of "real" life. In some other post, I could give you little rituals and practices that can be used to do this. It all depends on what you want and need.
So much depends on the dominant and submissive you want to be. Can a monogamous couple have "mom and sex" and "mom and sessions"? Of course, if that works for you. If you find that as hard as you try, one of you is still not getting quite what you need? Well, then you've got to look for other ways to fill those needs, or your relationship will be dogged by disatisfaction, longing, wondering "what if?" Same as any relationship.
More than anything, this lifestyle is about getting what you want and need to be a fulfilled, happy and balanced person.
