Why You Should Use Safewords:
Most of us would agree that safewording (terms that can be used to stop a certain action during a BDSM scene or end the scene entirely) has different connotations depending on whom you are playing with. First-time play with a new partner is so totally different than with a committed partner who knows you very well.
Safewords are all about communication, to give the top or dom/me a clue as to what's going on with the sub in all regards, mentally and physically. To refuse to safe-word in the appropriate circumstance is like getting in an airplane, blindfolding the pilot and saying, "Okay, now take me where I want to go."
Yes, I said "appropriate" circumstance. There are times when safewording is not just appropriate, but a necessity for trust and growth on the part of all involved. That is why it is vital that partners discuss the use of safewords (or “pleas for mercy,” as Sir would prefer) and the circumstances when they are needed.
A safeword is appropriate when something unexpected or unusual happens in either a physical or emotional sense that could take the play in an unexpected direction.
First and foremost, this encompasses extreme physical reactions. Dizziness, for example. Did you know that if a person who feels they are about to pass out is not able to get their head down, they can in many cases actually convulse? In some kinds of bondage, when the bottom is standing, loss of consciousness in which the body goes limp can dislocate a shoulder or wrist or even cause strangulation, if there is anything in the proximity of the throat. Shortness of breath and loss of feeling in body parts can indicate any number of possible problems, including heart attack and stroke. (And if you think those last two are unlikely, all I can say is that I’ve had a top experience a stroke in the middle of a scene.)
Then there is pain that simply does not feel “right.” Blows can hit the spine or the kidneys; dildo penetrations can hit the cervix or, anally, perforate the bowels, an extremely deadly accident. There are a number of much more minor problems that will still ruin a play: sudden paralyzing muscle cramps come to mind. (I remember falling to my knees once and twisting a previously dislocated kneecap, feeling my patella actually shift.)
Then there are emotional triggers that can do as much or more harm than anything physical, and that's another area where hard limits are nothing to be dismissed, abused or scorned, by either party. Subs have to know and admit their limits because they are part of who we are as individuals.
In the beginning, I personally had a hard time with the concept of safewords on two different levels: first, I did not want the ability to stop play with a word. That was my sub/slave side wanting even that control taken from me. So with Sir, I was not "allowed" to safeword, but I was encouraged to "beg for mercy" which he might or might not grant. By begging for mercy, I was not attempting to tell him what to do or not do, but clearly still communicating the level of my distress.
But on a secondary level, I fell into that mental trap of not wanting to “give in.” Recognizing this clued me in that, in many ways, I am "topping" myself during a play. I have a great need to see just how far I can push myself. It was not just Sir or whoever is topping me that I worried about disappointing; I didn't want to be seen as a "fluffy" player or a "wimp" — even to myself.
I learned the problem with this reluctance to safe-word early on because my master had such a reputation of hard sadism. Others who asked to play with me assumed I was unbreakable. They did things they couldn’t or wouldn’t do with their own subs; they hit harder and played longer. In many cases, it wasn’t just the assumption that I could take anything, but a lurking fear on their part that I would find them too “fluffy.” But the end result was the same: many of these doms and tops were venturing into new territory with my body as their learning curve. While I am perfectly willing to be a “stunt sub,” the importance of clear, concise communication became even more important.
More than once, I stumbled upon a dom/top on a pure ego trip: “Let’s see if I can get the big bad sadist’s toy to red!” One crowed quite proudly about the yellows and finally a red he got from me, until I pointed out to him that it really wasn’t anything he should be proud of. Just because I would take something from my master, this did not mean I would take it from him. That’s the difference between “bottoming” and “submitting.” If I am bottoming, red comes when I’m no longer having a good time. If I am submitting, red or “mercy” only comes when I have come to the end of my endurance.
Some doms/tops who work a lot with newbies will actually try to push a sub to safeword as a vital learning experience. They have run into that "pride" issue before, and know that it can seriously damage a sub if they don't get past that and learn their own limits. A good sub/slave needs to have no hesitation about using safe-words -- whether their particular issue is pride or having the confidence to use it. What helps many is the realization that using the safeword is not just their "right" but also their responsibility.
We all understand the "right" part because it goes toward the consensuality of play and the overriding need to protect ourselves from harm. But why is it a responsibility?
Withholding any information about yourself mentally or physically is to withhold communication, and communication is paramount in what we do. So is honesty.
Putting the Dominant at Risk
Forget for a moment the pedestals we tend to place our dominants upon. They are still human beings. Think about the enormous pressure on a top to "read" the bottom/sub, to be in complete control of the scene. Even the most experienced dom/me can make a mistake or simply be the victim of an accident, and if you do not give them complete information, you put THEM at risk.
You risk their emotional well-being and confidence, because when the play goes wrong, the best masters/mistresses can feel enormous guilt. (Parents can easily empathize, even when their child has an accident totally beyond their control.) Many tops/dom/mes are perfectionists, and will be hard on themselves for not foreseeing the unforeseeable. They carry this guilt with them into the next play, and the next.
Few things are worse for a dominant than for his/her sub to be in tears, hurting, throwing all the responsibility and blame back on them. It puts enormous pressure on not just the M/s side of the relationship, but on the love and respect between both partners. This is why I support RACK (“Risk Aware Consensual Kink”) as my credo, because I feel it is vital and only fair that both partners accept responsibility for the play.
You also risk their reputation as a safe and responsible player. We all know how fast gossip spreads, and how the details get lost or transfigured as the story goes ‘round and ‘round. What begins as: “Subbie A hadn’t eaten all day, so she passed out during the scene last night with Master X” can easily and quickly become: “Master X beat Subbie A until she passed out! I’m never playing with him!” The most damaging thing about gossip like this is that no one seems to ever go to the sources and ask for the real story. The rumors and assumptions just collect at the bottom of the community subconscious, until everything else is filtered through the flotsam of misconception.
When you don’t safeword appropriately, you also risk not giving your dominant the pleasure he or she was seeking in the first place. They wanted a good satisfying play, not to have a sub go into shock, convulse, or curl into a fetal position at their feet. They wanted to see you beaming through happy tears, kissing their boots, deliriously grateful — not drive you to the emergency room.
When you trust your dominant partner enough to know that you can use your safeword, you give them greater freedom, because they know they can trust YOU to be honest at all times. They can experiment with new techniques, new toys, etc. because they have you as an ally, not just as a mute, accepting victim.
In a M/s relationship, all that you are belongs to your dominant; to withhold information vital to his/her judgment of any situation is forbidden. Because you belong to them, one of your first responsibilities is to protect his/her property. If his/her car had a flat tire, you wouldn't just let him/her go on driving, would you? No, you'd tell them about it.
Telling them that a tire is flat doesn’t mean you are controlling or manipulating them; it means you are looking out for their property. It is up to the dominant to decide what to do with that information. A good dominant will give the flat tire the attention it deserves, so that the car can continue giving him/her the performance they expect from it.
Usually this is the point that someone will say, “But what about the possibility that the slave/sub/bottom will abuse the safeword?”
One way to prevent or discourage a sub/slave from misusing the whole safeword concept should be the understanding that safewording has consequences. I knew a dom who explained to me that if I used my safeword, all play would cease immediately, and that I would be expected to get dressed and go home. Further, he said, we would not play again until we had thoroughly discussed my reasons for safewording. While I have often wondered if this methodology wasn’t a bit on the manipulative side, this did make it clear to me that a safeword was not simply a “get-out-of-something-free” card to be bandied about lightly.
With my master, I knew I had better have a damn good reason for asking not to do something. Sometimes he'd listen to my thinking, and agree that at this particular time and place, I had a valid reason for asking for mercy. Other times, he would listen and debate, and usually I would be forced to admit to myself, even before the end of the conversation, that my reasons were inappropriate, based on selfishness, laziness, or anger. Usually the punishment for inappropriate use of a safeword was not even necessary; my submissive nature was thoroughly crushed by just the look in my master’s eyes.
On the flip side, however, I have seen the pained look in his eyes when something went wrong and I did not use my safeword, as he examined a bloodied nose or caught me limping the next day. I’ve had him hold me and comfort me, praise me for my efforts, even when I did safeword and felt as if I’d let him down. Nothing can replace the intimacy of totally honesty between master/mistress and slave/sub, and that intimacy is not possible without a complete discussion and understanding of safewords and their usage.
Safewords are all about communication, to give the top or dom/me a clue as to what's going on with the sub in all regards, mentally and physically. To refuse to safe-word in the appropriate circumstance is like getting in an airplane, blindfolding the pilot and saying, "Okay, now take me where I want to go."
Yes, I said "appropriate" circumstance. There are times when safewording is not just appropriate, but a necessity for trust and growth on the part of all involved. That is why it is vital that partners discuss the use of safewords (or “pleas for mercy,” as Sir would prefer) and the circumstances when they are needed.
A safeword is appropriate when something unexpected or unusual happens in either a physical or emotional sense that could take the play in an unexpected direction.
First and foremost, this encompasses extreme physical reactions. Dizziness, for example. Did you know that if a person who feels they are about to pass out is not able to get their head down, they can in many cases actually convulse? In some kinds of bondage, when the bottom is standing, loss of consciousness in which the body goes limp can dislocate a shoulder or wrist or even cause strangulation, if there is anything in the proximity of the throat. Shortness of breath and loss of feeling in body parts can indicate any number of possible problems, including heart attack and stroke. (And if you think those last two are unlikely, all I can say is that I’ve had a top experience a stroke in the middle of a scene.)
Then there is pain that simply does not feel “right.” Blows can hit the spine or the kidneys; dildo penetrations can hit the cervix or, anally, perforate the bowels, an extremely deadly accident. There are a number of much more minor problems that will still ruin a play: sudden paralyzing muscle cramps come to mind. (I remember falling to my knees once and twisting a previously dislocated kneecap, feeling my patella actually shift.)
Then there are emotional triggers that can do as much or more harm than anything physical, and that's another area where hard limits are nothing to be dismissed, abused or scorned, by either party. Subs have to know and admit their limits because they are part of who we are as individuals.
In the beginning, I personally had a hard time with the concept of safewords on two different levels: first, I did not want the ability to stop play with a word. That was my sub/slave side wanting even that control taken from me. So with Sir, I was not "allowed" to safeword, but I was encouraged to "beg for mercy" which he might or might not grant. By begging for mercy, I was not attempting to tell him what to do or not do, but clearly still communicating the level of my distress.
But on a secondary level, I fell into that mental trap of not wanting to “give in.” Recognizing this clued me in that, in many ways, I am "topping" myself during a play. I have a great need to see just how far I can push myself. It was not just Sir or whoever is topping me that I worried about disappointing; I didn't want to be seen as a "fluffy" player or a "wimp" — even to myself.
I learned the problem with this reluctance to safe-word early on because my master had such a reputation of hard sadism. Others who asked to play with me assumed I was unbreakable. They did things they couldn’t or wouldn’t do with their own subs; they hit harder and played longer. In many cases, it wasn’t just the assumption that I could take anything, but a lurking fear on their part that I would find them too “fluffy.” But the end result was the same: many of these doms and tops were venturing into new territory with my body as their learning curve. While I am perfectly willing to be a “stunt sub,” the importance of clear, concise communication became even more important.
More than once, I stumbled upon a dom/top on a pure ego trip: “Let’s see if I can get the big bad sadist’s toy to red!” One crowed quite proudly about the yellows and finally a red he got from me, until I pointed out to him that it really wasn’t anything he should be proud of. Just because I would take something from my master, this did not mean I would take it from him. That’s the difference between “bottoming” and “submitting.” If I am bottoming, red comes when I’m no longer having a good time. If I am submitting, red or “mercy” only comes when I have come to the end of my endurance.
Some doms/tops who work a lot with newbies will actually try to push a sub to safeword as a vital learning experience. They have run into that "pride" issue before, and know that it can seriously damage a sub if they don't get past that and learn their own limits. A good sub/slave needs to have no hesitation about using safe-words -- whether their particular issue is pride or having the confidence to use it. What helps many is the realization that using the safeword is not just their "right" but also their responsibility.
We all understand the "right" part because it goes toward the consensuality of play and the overriding need to protect ourselves from harm. But why is it a responsibility?
Withholding any information about yourself mentally or physically is to withhold communication, and communication is paramount in what we do. So is honesty.
Putting the Dominant at Risk
Forget for a moment the pedestals we tend to place our dominants upon. They are still human beings. Think about the enormous pressure on a top to "read" the bottom/sub, to be in complete control of the scene. Even the most experienced dom/me can make a mistake or simply be the victim of an accident, and if you do not give them complete information, you put THEM at risk.
You risk their emotional well-being and confidence, because when the play goes wrong, the best masters/mistresses can feel enormous guilt. (Parents can easily empathize, even when their child has an accident totally beyond their control.) Many tops/dom/mes are perfectionists, and will be hard on themselves for not foreseeing the unforeseeable. They carry this guilt with them into the next play, and the next.
Few things are worse for a dominant than for his/her sub to be in tears, hurting, throwing all the responsibility and blame back on them. It puts enormous pressure on not just the M/s side of the relationship, but on the love and respect between both partners. This is why I support RACK (“Risk Aware Consensual Kink”) as my credo, because I feel it is vital and only fair that both partners accept responsibility for the play.
You also risk their reputation as a safe and responsible player. We all know how fast gossip spreads, and how the details get lost or transfigured as the story goes ‘round and ‘round. What begins as: “Subbie A hadn’t eaten all day, so she passed out during the scene last night with Master X” can easily and quickly become: “Master X beat Subbie A until she passed out! I’m never playing with him!” The most damaging thing about gossip like this is that no one seems to ever go to the sources and ask for the real story. The rumors and assumptions just collect at the bottom of the community subconscious, until everything else is filtered through the flotsam of misconception.
When you don’t safeword appropriately, you also risk not giving your dominant the pleasure he or she was seeking in the first place. They wanted a good satisfying play, not to have a sub go into shock, convulse, or curl into a fetal position at their feet. They wanted to see you beaming through happy tears, kissing their boots, deliriously grateful — not drive you to the emergency room.
When you trust your dominant partner enough to know that you can use your safeword, you give them greater freedom, because they know they can trust YOU to be honest at all times. They can experiment with new techniques, new toys, etc. because they have you as an ally, not just as a mute, accepting victim.
In a M/s relationship, all that you are belongs to your dominant; to withhold information vital to his/her judgment of any situation is forbidden. Because you belong to them, one of your first responsibilities is to protect his/her property. If his/her car had a flat tire, you wouldn't just let him/her go on driving, would you? No, you'd tell them about it.
Telling them that a tire is flat doesn’t mean you are controlling or manipulating them; it means you are looking out for their property. It is up to the dominant to decide what to do with that information. A good dominant will give the flat tire the attention it deserves, so that the car can continue giving him/her the performance they expect from it.
Usually this is the point that someone will say, “But what about the possibility that the slave/sub/bottom will abuse the safeword?”
One way to prevent or discourage a sub/slave from misusing the whole safeword concept should be the understanding that safewording has consequences. I knew a dom who explained to me that if I used my safeword, all play would cease immediately, and that I would be expected to get dressed and go home. Further, he said, we would not play again until we had thoroughly discussed my reasons for safewording. While I have often wondered if this methodology wasn’t a bit on the manipulative side, this did make it clear to me that a safeword was not simply a “get-out-of-something-free” card to be bandied about lightly.
With my master, I knew I had better have a damn good reason for asking not to do something. Sometimes he'd listen to my thinking, and agree that at this particular time and place, I had a valid reason for asking for mercy. Other times, he would listen and debate, and usually I would be forced to admit to myself, even before the end of the conversation, that my reasons were inappropriate, based on selfishness, laziness, or anger. Usually the punishment for inappropriate use of a safeword was not even necessary; my submissive nature was thoroughly crushed by just the look in my master’s eyes.
On the flip side, however, I have seen the pained look in his eyes when something went wrong and I did not use my safeword, as he examined a bloodied nose or caught me limping the next day. I’ve had him hold me and comfort me, praise me for my efforts, even when I did safeword and felt as if I’d let him down. Nothing can replace the intimacy of totally honesty between master/mistress and slave/sub, and that intimacy is not possible without a complete discussion and understanding of safewords and their usage.
