Dear Kate,
I'm fairly new to this all. I've known a man for 4 years now, he is much older than I which doesn't bother me, however I do think it has an affect on him. He's also recently married. He told me last night for the first time he wanted to make me his slave. Is it wrong that I want to be? I'm afraid to ask him "Why now?"
We've had sex a handful of times, but it was very basic. I always detected dominance from him in the way he talked to me during and after sex. He's told me on more than one occasion that he is "crazy" about me. And I think I am crazy about him too.
He asked me to seduce his wife. She is vanilla but has hinted to him that she wants to explore with another woman. Should I tell him how badly I want to? He's very honest with me, which is rare and scares me at times. Is it wrong I want to seduce her? Should I even being investing my time into this? Should I stay his slave or run the other direction? I wouldn't want to ruin what he has. Ever. And I know when the days comes for me he will be around to see it all but I don't want to upset him. I'm so confused. Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you for your time,
M
Dear M:
What exactly is his relationship with his wife? I have complicated feelings about cheating, because I've been there and done that, and it was one of the most awful things I've ever had to deal with (I was the cheater, and I ended up confessing, and it was hell.)
Are you comfortable with seeing a man who cheats on his wife? I'm assuming he is cheating, unless they have an open relationship. If they did, I'd expect he would have told you.
I completely understand being attracted to someone in spite of all obstacles, but you have to ask yourself: can I trust him? It is impossible to be a slave or submissive to someone you can't absolutely trust, and here you have a man who is unable to keep the most clear-cut of promises: fidelity.
And to a woman he just recently married?
To be a slave or submissive, master or dom, you have to be completely honest. You cannot trust your life and health to someone if both of you aren't honest with each other. And his ability to be honest is already in question.
You say he's been honest with you…. but really, how would you know? He's telling you what you want to hear, and I know that because he wants to fuck you. A man always tells the woman he wants to fuck what she wants to hear, and always claims to be honest.
But the fact is that he's lying to the most important person in his life: his wife. And if he will lie to her, he will lie to you. If not already, then in the future. I know how exciting it feels to be his little secret, to feel like he can open himself to you in ways he can't to his wife. I know, I really do. If it's true that he really can say some things to you and not to his wife, it's because he hasn't got anything to lose with you. You are in a little box over here in the shadows; the rest of his life is out there in the open.
You say you don't want to "ruin what he has." He's the one ruining it, not you, but if you go along with this, that makes you an accomplice. You will feel guilty about this, sooner or later, and guilt is a terrible thing to drag around with you.
I am hoping that his request that you seduce his wife is just talk. Do you already know her, and this is why he thinks he might be able to push you both in that direction? Because that is the final straw for me -- that he's not just lying to her, cheating on her. Now he wants YOU to make his fantasies come true because he's too chicken shit to talk directly and honestly to her about branching out sexually. Worst of all, he's plotting to manipulate her into something that she might not actually be ready for, that could have big repercussions on her life and emotions. Does he want her to cheat on him to lessen his guilt?
Try to think beyond what you want right now.
Try to think beyond not wanting to upset him.
Ask yourself what kind of person you are, and what kind of person do you want to be.
Do you want a long-term open and honest BDSM relationship with someone? If you do, this isn't the guy, and you'll be wasting time, effort and probably a lot of pain in this relationship that isn't going to take you where you really want to go.
This is something I also know firsthand: Love a cheater, and you spend the rest of your life with him waiting for him to lie to you. At some point, you aren't sure you can even trust him when he says, "I love you."
This is of course just my opinion, but maybe there is something here that help you figure it out.
I wish you the best of luck.
Kate
Dear Kate,
I'm sure it's not open. And everything you've said is true and correct. I need to find someone who is willing to put in to something in the same aspect as I am. You've opened my eyes, and I couldn't be more thankful for you. Trust is a major thing for me and my stomach is telling me you're very right about him. I'd rather not ruin our friendship and potentially his marriage. I want something honest in a BDSM relationship and something that will last. I'm very monogamous by nature and i refuse to keep settling. I'm just comfortable with him and he took advantage of it I suppose. Maybe it's time I be brave and start exploring my local area.
I cannot honestly thank you enough for saying what you said. I needed that. And your words confirmed my gut feeling. I truly appreciate your time.
Dear M:
I'm glad I was able to help, even a little.
I do have a book available now, with all the advice I could possibly give to anyone. Just in case you're interested:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NC05X2K
Good luck to you. You seem to have a firm grasp of who you are and what you want, and I'm sure that you will do just fine. Be brave, be patient, and remember that you deserve good things.
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