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How do i find a caring dominant?

11/27/2014

Dear Kate:

I am very new to the lifestyle and I am having trouble finding a caring dom. There is this one guy who wants me as a slave not a sub. He promised he wouldn't share me but now has told me he wants to pimp me out for money and if he wants to share me, he will. I don't want to be demeaned like the videos he keeps having me look at and I told him I wasn't into females at all. Already he has demoted me to cook and housekeeper and another girl as his sex toy. Also discussed spankings but he wants to use a belt. When I said, no just hands, he said I was too demanding. We haven't even met yet. How can I find a caring dom?

— Jennifer

Dear Jennifer:

Well first of all…. tell this one to take a hike. Unfortunately, you find a lot of guys like him out there. He's either not "real" -- i.e. he just likes to talk about all this stuff online and never does it, so of course he's not concerned with the reality of what you want (or what he has a chance in hell of actually getting) — or he is an idiot who thinks that a dom is supposed to demand what he wants and then push and push until he gets it.

The way he has responded to you is NOT THE WAY THIS IS SUPPOSED TO WORK.

Don't waste another email on this person, because he is so completely not listening to you, let alone respecting your limits even in talking about a relationship, let alone building one. The good news is that he has shown his true colors before getting you to meet him in person, where he might have been very aggressive and possibly even abusive.

You have to be patient and keep looking. It's really no different than finding a vanilla lover/partner/spouse, actually harder because you have added to the list of specific qualities you're looking for. But you can find the right one if you're patient and refuse to settle for less than you really want.

Where are you looking? Have you joined Fetlife? If not, do so, and use the location guide to find a group in your area that has a munch. Meeting a group of like-minded people in real time and in a safe public environment is the best way to learn and network and protect yourself. Having friends who understand and support your journey will help you gain some experience and confidence in how to deal with potential partners.

On Fetlife, join a couple of discussion groups that appeal to you. Again, it helps you network and interact with people who could turn out to be what you're looking for in a partner, but at the very least, you make new friends. You can never have too many of those.

I have a new book you might want to take a look at: How to be a Healthy and Happy Submissive. It has all the advice I could ever give you on how to get started in the kinky world.

Good luck, and be safe. :)

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Letter from a frustrated male submissive

11/23/2014

2 Comments

Dear Kate:

I'm a mature bisexual submissive bottom guy, searching hopelessly (so far) for a dominant master to discipline and use me. I live with my vanilla female partner who knows nothing of this side of me. Am I unreasonable in wanting to find a regular arrangement to satisfy my needs as a sub, whilst maintaining my 'normal' vanilla life? At any rate, I don't seem to be able to find any candidates for the role of master - never mind not accepting the first one that comes along! I can't really go to public meetings (munches or whatever), as it would be impossible to conceal this from my partner. I have registered on many contact sites, but the majority of people on these sites are not true doms. On BSDM.com, I even paid for a month's membership, and messaged several of the (few) people advertising in my area, but had not a single reply. I'm a member on fetlife, and have hardly any success contacting people on there, and nothing that has come to fruition. Am I just very unlucky to be living in an area (Gloucestershire, UK) devoid of possible matches, or are my requirements just too difficult/unreasonable to have any chance of success?

— Malcolm

Dear Malcolm:

I'm sorry that you've had no luck in finding what you want. It's frustrating, I know.

No, you are not at all "unreasonable" in wanting to find what you need. I do, however, see a couple of obstacles.

The first obstacle: you mention "mature." I don't know how old you are, but I am fifty-one myself, and the sad reality is that many of the people out there looking for play partners or even just fuck buddies spend most of their time running after much younger partners. While I have been collared to my master, Beast, for nearly 13 years, we are polyamorous, and I wouldn't mind another playmate — but there aren't a lot of men out there looking for fifty year-old women. Some, yes, but not nearly as many as are even now filling the email boxes of twenty-four year olds with far fewer brain cells than me.

(Sorry, that was meant as a joke, but came out kind of snarky, didn't it?)

The second obstacle: you feel you cannot get out and meet people. I don't judge your reasons for this, but that makes it hard to really get to know people. The good masters out there really want more than just emails and profiles — they want a chance to interact with you in person. Making friends with similar interests is a very important part of the networking that leads to finding the right partner or master.

And because you don't go out to events or munches, and because you want to keep this secret from your vanilla life partner, it puts some people off. They may get the impression that either you're just one of those guys who wants a little something on the side, and that you aren't seriously interested in building a real D/s relationship.

When I first started in this lifestyle, I thought I was a switch. I have dominant and sadistic tendencies, and so I sought out submissive male partners. But what I found overwhelmingly were married or committed men who weren't really interested in submitting to me or anybody -- they had very specific fantasies they wanted to act out, and they just wanted me to follow the script in their head.

Now, there's nothing wrong with wanting to experience certain things, like being fucked by a woman in a strap-on, as long as you are up front about what you really want. They didn't want to submit, they wanted kinky sex. I became really frustrated with men who had no interest in all in what I might want from them, and no interest in surrendering any of their power to me. What they really wanted was a hooker with a whip.

THE IMPORTANT POINT HERE:. There is a big, big difference between a kinky partner willing to act out your fantasies, and surrendering yourself to pleasing someone else. An actual dominant is not at all interested in the first, and a "merely" kinky partner, even with the best of intentions, may not have the personality or experience to give you the second.

I mention all this because you may need to consider what message you put out there with your profiles and emails. Are you really interested in submitting to someone, or do you just want kinky sex with a man? Be honest. Good dominants who are serious about D/s don't want to waste their time if they aren't sure you are really interested in submission. Among women, we read any mention of "discreet" as "he's married" and while not all women want a traditional monogamous relationship, it's often a turn-off.

Then there is the issue of keeping it secret. I understand, I really do, about wanting to keep your "normal" life separate and safe. I tried that myself. It was a complete mess. There is a special circle of hell for cheaters, and I've been there. Don't want to ever do it again.

People who are serious about D/s believe in honest and open communication. If you are lying to your vanilla partner, they often don't trust you to be honest with them.

You say you have had little success with contacting people on Fetlife. Are you just sending out emails asking for partners? Or are you participating in group discussions and trying to form some actual friendships? Because you need to do that. Fetlife is about social networking, not just a site for hookups.

I don't know about your area of the UK, but generally, there are kinky people all over. Tonight I went to Kinkos to have something printed, and ended up having a long conversation with the woman who took my order -- turns out she used to be pro domme.

I don't know if any of this has been helpful. I hope that you find what you are looking for. I know what it is to want it. Think about my suggestions, but you may also want to find a bisexual male who has been successful in finding a master, and ask him if he would just give you some advice on approaching possible partners. There may be aspects to homosexual and bisexual D/s I just don't know about. If you are approaching gay men, they may be put off by you being bisexual, because there are still people who think bisexuals are just confused about their orientation. (I know this isn't true, but there are those who believe it.)

At any rate… be patient, keep trying, but consider trying to make some friends among kinky folks all over, not just ones you hope to have a relationship with. Friends with whom you can discuss these things help a lot, and you need advice specific to submissive and gay/bisexual males that I just don't have.

Best of luck to you, Malcolm….. please consider talking to your vanilla partner. She may surprise you.

— Kate

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