Kate Kinsey
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A Feminist Submissive

12/15/2012

3 Comments

 
Lady Smut is a blog written by several women who read and write erotica. One of them recently reviewed my book, "Red," and really liked it. I was grateful, not just because it was a great review, but because I could tell she really got what I was trying to do with the book. When a reader notices little things you worked so hard on, it really makes all the time locked in a room alone staring at the computer screen worth it. God knows, we don't do it for the money. (Money? You mean some people actually get PAID to write? OMG)


Anyway, we sent some personal emails back and forth, and of course i got the same question i always get from women outside of the kink community: how can you be a feminist and a submissive? The answer was pretty long, and I was pleased that she wanted to share it as guest blog on Lady Smut. Doing my part to educate, always!

Check out the link: 
http://ladysmut.com/2012/12/11/guest-post-a-feminist-submissive-by-kate-kinsey/
Or read on below:

A Feminist Submissive by Kate Kinsey

I am a well-educated woman in my forties, unmarried and childless by choice, with not just one career, but three: graphic artist, fine artist/crafter and writer. I am independent, opinionated, and I have no qualms about calling myself a feminist.

I am also a submissive in a BDSM relationship of twelve years. That’s right. I wear a collar. I kneel. I say, “Yes, sir.” And I enjoy it.

Every woman with half a brain who approaches BDSM as a lifestyle choice has asked themselves the same question: how can any modern woman — let alone a card-carrying feminist — embrace submission?

Well, at first you feel kind of weird about it. Maybe a tad guilty. Then you do some long, hard thinking about the paradoxes that populate and define BDSM. You do some more long, hard thinking about who you are, what you want, and what makes you happy and fulfilled.

You think about the fundamental thing at the very heart of feminism: the right to choose your own path.

Fifty years ago, a woman being spanked over her husband’s knee for buying the wrong brand of coffee was considered completely acceptable. Now, if a wife wants to be spanked over her husband’s knee just for fun, it’s considered weird at best.

Fifty years ago, it was purely a man’s prerogative to spank/chastise/beat his wife for deviating from the acceptable “norm” in any way… or just because he wanted to.

Now, if it’s the wife asking for the spanking because it arouses her, and arouses him as well, that element of choice and the difference in the motivation for it changes everything completely. Or does it?

Because, of course, our collective psyche carries all the baggage about what those acts mean symbolically and historically. Most of us understand that we are playing with those stereotypes, and that these often arouse us precisely because, on some level, we are turning those stereotypes and expectations inside out.

A submissive is not synonymous with “doormat.” Submission is all about making a personal choice to submit to a particular person, at a particular time, within carefully negotiated limits. To participate in our reindeer games, you must first figure out what you want and what you don’t want, and you absolutely must learn how to be honest and clear in your communication about it.

This is how all relationships are supposed to be, but BDSM has made communication and consent its holy mantra. We actually have checklists, for God’s sake! Some of us even have contracts!

I think back to my first “vanilla” sexual experiences, and I wish that I’d had the strength and wisdom to say to my partner: I want this, not that. More of this, less of that. And can we try X, Y and a little Z? Because that is exactly what you do before engaging in play of any sort in the kinky world, whether it’s a casual “scene” at the local dungeon or beginning a relationship.

Unfortunately, some women do come into this without understanding that being a submissive does not mean you are submissive to just anyone and everyone. Sometimes we have to educate those self-proclaimed dominants who think any and every submissive is his for the taking. Want to start a small-scale war? Just let a dominant man walk into a club and snap his finger at the first woman he sees with a collar around her neck, barking, “Bring me a drink!” It’s not her master that will cut his balls off, it’s her.

I’ve used “him” as dominant, and “her” for the submissive, but that’s simply because that’s the particular dynamic that concerns feminism. The female submissive/male dominant coupling gets the most attention from the vanilla world, but it’s not the whole of BDSM.

BDSM is NOT about gender roles. Submissive and dominant have nothing to do with male/female. There are many female dominants and male submissives. There are women – straight and lesbian – who submit to other women, men who submit to other men. We talk about dominant and submissive as an orientation, like straight, gay or bisexual. It’s not unusual for someone to be dominant with one or more partner, and submissive with another.

I began exploring my fantasies when I was 38. I had been a rebel since college, fiercely independent and determined not to be defined by the men in my life. Yet in my secret fantasies, being dominated by a man in the bedroom really got my juices flowing. (I blame it on a Southern Baptist upbringing. I was intensely curious about sex, but was convinced that I would never have sex until my wedding night. Unless, of course, some dashing, mysterious pirate kidnapped and ravished me. Yes, please!)

When I finally began meeting dominant men, I found myself thinking, “Hell, I’m more dominant that he is!” I nearly put a stiletto heel through the foot of one “dominant” who got a little too persistent one night at the dungeon.

Then I met the right dominant. Not the right dominant for everyone, but the right one for me, and he happened to be male. I’d submitted to several women, and enjoyed it, but the sexual dynamic wasn’t quite right. I’d played with several men, and enjoyed it, but it wasn’t quite right either… until I found him.

There is something inside me that wants to submit, that gains tremendous satisfaction from it, but it will only come out when the right person calls to it. And when that happens, it’s as if the floodgates open.

Consider the enormous intensity of emotions that come from “play” that taps into our deepest, darkest and most primal places, that engages not just the body but the heart and mind.

It’s deeper and wider than mere “sex”: new sensations that you never knew were possible, exploring the body more thoroughly than ever before, sending adrenaline and endorphins and hormones coursing through your veins to heighten every sensation. You are doing things you have always wanted to do but never before dared, things that require more trust and honesty than you have ever shared with another before….

How could I not adore the person who gave me all of that? When I came through whatever he asked of me, and saw his pleasure and pride in me, it was the sweetest satisfaction I’d ever known. Did I question myself as a woman? Yes. But I got over it. Because isn’t the surest definition of a feminist a woman who does exactly what she wants because it makes her happy and fulfilled?

It’s tough to admit but one of the things I came to love about D/s was the clarity and simplicity of it.

I’m certainly not arguing for a throwback to 1954, because such clearly defined roles can never work without the wholehearted choice of a willing heart. That was the whole problem with 1954: it was assumed that every woman would be a good little housewife whether she wanted to or not. There was no choice involved at all.

But neither should you think that a D/s relationship means Sir gets to have his way all the time and I just have to go along with it. I have choices. He has obligations. And every bit of it is open to negotiation all the time.

When I became my Sir’s “slave,” I willingly made all my thoughts and feelings his property, which meant that it was not my place to decide what to hide and what to reveal. Sounds barbaric? Then consider what it means: none of that silent stewing that we women so often fall pray to. I’m not allowed to say, “I’m fine” when I’m really pissed as hell. No sulking allowed.

In the D/s relationship, my responsibility is to be honest and truthful, as long as I express myself respectfully. And he has the responsibility to listen to what I tell him, to be sure my needs are being taken care of, that I feel valued and loved.

In agreeing to be his slave, I agreed to give up the struggle to always be right, and that was a BIG one for me. Not to get the last word. Not to score points with a stinging comeback. No more keeping score of his mistakes to hit him over the head with later. I realized just how much bullshit sexual warfare there had been in my other relationships. To give that up was such a relief!

There is no one correct way to do any of this. Do some masters/mistresses refuse to let anyone speak to their collared sub without their permission? Some do. Mine has always told me that he doesn’t require or want such micromanagement, and that he loves me for being an independent woman who can speak for herself. And if he’d wanted to micromanage me, I probably wouldn’t have remained his for all these years. The D/s only works when both individuals needs and desires mesh and complement each other.

The whole issue of the collar is a sore spot for many feminists. But there’s a vast difference in what an outsider believes the collar to mean, and what it really means to those who practice BDSM. A collar is as much as symbol of commitment as of ownership, the BDSM equivalent of a wedding ring, for those who take it seriously. For some, it’s just a fashion statement, a prop, a part of the “costume.” And it’s okay either way. We really like our costumes!

Last but not least, please understand that the desire to submit or to dominate is NOT the result of abuse or psychological damage. This is one of the most persistent and damaging stereotypes, and the favorite of those feminists who protest against BDSM as degrading to women. Are there survivors of abuse and incest in the BDSM community? Of course. They are also in your local Chamber of Commerce and PTA, because physical and sexual abuse is an epidemic in our society. But most of the people I know who practice BDSM come from very uneventful backgrounds.

The few I’ve known who do have abuse of some kind in their past have come to BDSM as a way of reclaiming the sexuality that was stolen from them. With its emphasis on communication and the sanctity of consent, BDSM gives them a safe space in which to work out those hurts and fears.

What has made Fifty Shades of Grey and other BDSM erotica so popular is exactly the same thing that brings women to BDSM in general. It’s arousing to think of being swept away by passion, to be so desired by a man that he wants to “take” you and “own” you. It’s exciting to break the taboos and walk along the edge of naughty. But none of it would be at all exciting or arousing if choice wasn’t at the core of it.

BDSM is all about choice, power, pleasure and self-realization. And if my book (Red) has helped readers understand BDSM even a little bit better, than I am more than pleased. I’m grateful.


3 Comments
Jonah
10/17/2015 01:33:16 am

it's kinda hard to read this, white text on grey background, but i'm glad i struggled through it. I'm a kinky feminist, but also a teenager. Mostly a sub, but I would switch if my girlfriend wanted me to. We're still figuring this out.

anyways, your article was intriguing. i love stumbling upon these things because they feel more honest and less scary than the posts by dominant men talking about putting women in their place. i really appreciate how you recognized that people of all genders and orientations can be doms or subs or switches as they please. so many people either ignore this or don't believe it.

also what you said about collars. that's what got me here in the first place. i own a collar, and i like wearing it, but i'm only 18 and my girlfriend doesn't "own" me in the least bit. all we've done is talk about things, but that's a complicated story about long distance relationships. whatever.

i'm happy for you, figuring everything out and being happy and collared and all. kudos to you for putting assholes in their place. in my experience, i've only met asshole doms online, not in the community. but there's time.

if you decide to respond to this, i'm curious. you mentioned collars as costumes and props. is it possible for someone to collar themselves? i don't want to disrespect anyone by doing this, and it's not a joke thing. it's a personal thing. just wondering. your article was a joy.

Reply
Kate Kinsey link
3/30/2016 06:43:57 pm

Jonah, i don't know if you will see this, because it's been so long since your original post. I am embarrassed to admit how bad I am at keeping up with my website the way I should.

First, thank you for the kind words. And about the collar…. can a submissive collar their self? I hesitate to ever say "no, you absolutely can't" to anything unless it's outside of Safe, Sane and Consensual. When I spoke about not wearing a collar just as a fashion statement, I was mainly speaking for the general sentiment in my own corner of the world. But then… what the fuck? Why should you need my or anyone else's permission? If you feel personally drawn to wearing a collar that means something to you, then by all means do it. I remember very well how badly I wanted to wear a collar when i first began, how I wanted to feel something around my neck that would say something about me and how I saw myself.

Now, I'll admit having done just what I said in my book not to do (wear a collar without having a dominant/master/mistress). It was one of my first big public scenes at a local club, and while my then-future master was acting as my dominant/top, he had not yet done me the honor of presenting me with a collar.

But -- because in my newbie sub-frenzied heart, he was already the owner of my heart and soul -- I asked if I might wear a "play" collar, just for the scene. When he said yes, I was thrilled.

I had been looking for BDSM jewelry online and come across a lovely pendant of the BDSM symbol done in roses and thorns. It really spoke to me because our local club was called Rose-n-Thorn, and my future master was part owner of that club. Wearing that symbol, I thought, would say I was submissive to BDSM and the club, my local community. And, yes…. I could feel like it meant i was submissive to him, because I already was.

When we started the scene, he looked at collar (a very simple black leather) and fingered the pendant.

"What does this mean?" he asked.

"It's just the BDSM symbol, you know," I stammered. "I thought it was pretty, and it was roses and thorns….so… "

He nodded and said nothing more about it.

So, if you still want to collar yourself, or to wear a collar as a symbol of your submission to your own journey, I see no reason not to. You don't owe anybody an explanation until the day someone offers -- and you accept -- an actual collar as a commitment.

PS. Jonah, I am so sorry about the white text. I don't know how that happened, but I am honored that you struggled onward anyway! I have just fixed it, lol.

Reply
Jen
11/29/2016 02:53:47 am

Kate, thank you for this. I'm an independent, strong-willed feminist (female) and will be collared soon (I suspect in a few hours, but he might make me wait a bit longer). This will be the first time in my 43 years that Im actually committing fully to another. Although I do come from a background of abuse and neglect, I've been in therapy long enough to heal most wounds. Im not sure why I feel the need to be owned (I can usually figure out most things thanks to therapy), but I know when I'm kneeling at my Sir's feet, I'm the happiest and most secure. I relish the thought of not having to be right all the time, or feel the need to get my way every time I want something. I'm thankful for this opportunity to continue growing with a man who is firm and has expectations for my behavior, but is soft enough and loving enough that I feel safe and secure with him. I've always had a difficult time communicating my feelings. My pain, my hurt, my disappointment, and my rage. I'm thankful that I feel comfortable enough with my Master to share these feelings with, and I can feel vulnerable to someone without feeling like he/she will use it against me. He's supportive, he's kind to the world, and I'm confident he only wants the best for me. His pet names for me are slut and bitch. They were hard pills to swallow at first, until I realized that they were truly an honor and reserved for the women who are meaningful to Him. It is a new world for me, and I'm doing my best to serve Him well. It is my hope that this opportunity affords me the freedom I've craved for so long and the discipline that I've needed but haven't been able to do for myself. I just hope that I can be the sub slut He needs and deserves.

Reply



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