Kate, I have a question regarding the treatment of a submissive and a slave. I had a slave for over a year in which it was more of a sexual release for me and a learning experience for her. The relationship was not going anywhere other than for my personal satisfaction. (I know bad me).
Along came another lady that was very submissive and beautiful and she knew about my lifestyle from the get go. She said she wanted to be what ever I needed and did not want to share me with my former slave. I tried to treat her the same somewhat on two occasions and both times I felt bad and she did not enjoy it at all.
I still have these strong desire to be primal and very aggressive and I am not able to get these feelings out of my system with my submissive. She is a wonderful lady and I will end up marrying her, but I can't do the things to her I could do with my slave and enjoyed.
So I am at a cross road of my feelings and would like to ask if there is a resource that could help me resolve this conflict (outside of being stretched out and whipped senseless.) I fear that this conflict will get in the way.
Sincerely,
Dominant X
X, you have described a common problem for dominants, actually. To some extent, a lot of men (both kinky and vanilla) have issues along these lines regarding sex, love and which you can have with what kind of woman.
There is still that societal double standard, i.e. the "Madonna/whore" syndrome. Add to that the conflicts for dominant and/or sadists (and I mean sadist in the nonjudgmental way of totally consensual BDSM, not as non-consensual criminals and psychopaths) who are told "gentlemen don't hit girls" -- even when the girls like it and ask for it.
You've accomplished something just in recognizing you have this issue, and trying to understand it. Yes, it will definitely get in the way. As far as I can tell, you have three options.
1) You negotiate with your lovely submissive that (it sounds like) you love and want to make a life with. You are upfront and honest about how you feel about her, what you hope to have with her, but make it clear that you still have other needs that need to be met. You both have to understand that if you try to suppress the things you want and need for the sake of relationship with her, you run the risk of either resenting her at some point for not being able to fill that need for you, and/or fall into the trap of cheating to get what you need.
I practice polyamory, and while I am the first to say it is a hard road and doesn't always work the way it should, it does allow for the reality that one person cannot always be everything their partner needs. My own master has a lot of needs that I cannot fill, and so he has other lovers and subs to make him happy. Our poly is mutual, and I am free to pursue other relationships if I choose, but I honestly don't feel the need for another physical relationship with someone else. (Between writing, painting and a full time job, I don't have the time or energy!)
If she is willing to try, the first option is for you to make her your primary relationship, in which she serves you in all the ways she can and ways that fill her needs, while you find another submissive or slave with whom you can fill your needs for more aggressive, primal activities.
There is nothing wrong with a purely sexual relationship with a sub or slave as long as you and that person are honest about what it is and what it is not. There are some submissives who, for whatever reason, would like a firmly compartmentalized sexual BDSM relationship -- usually they are in a primary relationship that, like yours, doesn't fill all their needs.
The catch here is whether your submissive/primary relationship can be happy this way. You absolutely cannot do this if she can't be happy. But the beauty of kink is that we are open to solutions and combinations to find what works for us, and not just what society accepts. Does she perhaps have any interest in sharing a slave with you? Something like that might allow you to enjoy getting your needs filled while still sharing the experiences with her.
If you pursue polyamory, you both need to study up on how these relationships should work and all the tools you'll need to do so. It doesn't always happen overnight.
2) You are honest with your submissive and cut her loose so you both can find another relationship that does work for each of you. You don't mention whether or not you enjoy a less aggressive sexual relationship with her that she finds enjoyable, but still want the other, or if what you do have with her simply doesn't satisfy you at all. (You also say you've tried it twice -- have you talked with her about if any of what you did worked for her at all, or was all of it bad for her? Is there a middle ground you both might be happy with? Many relationships don't work right out of the starting gate. That's why communication is so vitally important in BDSM.)
Sometimes we convince ourselves to love the person we think we should -because they are wonderful, loving, beautiful, etc… but all the "shoulds" in the world don't always work.
If you do this, and pursue a new relationship, you need to be careful of repeating the same pattern. I know dominants who find a new submissive with whom they have mutually great kinky D/s "sex" but then once they get to really know their submissive, they develop deeper emotional bonds and suddenly they can't enjoy hurting or using them they way they used to. This is not at all uncommon.
Should you find this happening, you may want to find a kink-friendly professional to talk to about whether you can overcome the conflicts to be more at peace with your needs, as well as working with a submissive to work through your issues. Or you just keep the two sides of yourself compartmentalized, find partners to fill those needs but above all you have to be honest with all parties.
(It IS possible to find a kink-friendly therapist or psychiatrist. Visit www.NCSFreedom.org to find their KAP (Kink Aware Professionals) list and see if there is someone in your area.)
3) The third option is what I mentioned above. You try to force yourself to give up something of who you are to make your relationship with your submissive work. It might, but you may also just make yourself miserable.
Any of these options are a gamble. Only you can decide what you really want.
I don't know of another "resource" other than networking in your local community or on FetLife to find other dominants who have experienced this -- they are out there -- that you can talk to about what coping mechanisms they have found. Sometimes just knowing you are not the only one with these feelings can help.
I wish you the best of luck, I really do.
In any case, thanks for sharing with me, and good luck.
Along came another lady that was very submissive and beautiful and she knew about my lifestyle from the get go. She said she wanted to be what ever I needed and did not want to share me with my former slave. I tried to treat her the same somewhat on two occasions and both times I felt bad and she did not enjoy it at all.
I still have these strong desire to be primal and very aggressive and I am not able to get these feelings out of my system with my submissive. She is a wonderful lady and I will end up marrying her, but I can't do the things to her I could do with my slave and enjoyed.
So I am at a cross road of my feelings and would like to ask if there is a resource that could help me resolve this conflict (outside of being stretched out and whipped senseless.) I fear that this conflict will get in the way.
Sincerely,
Dominant X
X, you have described a common problem for dominants, actually. To some extent, a lot of men (both kinky and vanilla) have issues along these lines regarding sex, love and which you can have with what kind of woman.
There is still that societal double standard, i.e. the "Madonna/whore" syndrome. Add to that the conflicts for dominant and/or sadists (and I mean sadist in the nonjudgmental way of totally consensual BDSM, not as non-consensual criminals and psychopaths) who are told "gentlemen don't hit girls" -- even when the girls like it and ask for it.
You've accomplished something just in recognizing you have this issue, and trying to understand it. Yes, it will definitely get in the way. As far as I can tell, you have three options.
1) You negotiate with your lovely submissive that (it sounds like) you love and want to make a life with. You are upfront and honest about how you feel about her, what you hope to have with her, but make it clear that you still have other needs that need to be met. You both have to understand that if you try to suppress the things you want and need for the sake of relationship with her, you run the risk of either resenting her at some point for not being able to fill that need for you, and/or fall into the trap of cheating to get what you need.
I practice polyamory, and while I am the first to say it is a hard road and doesn't always work the way it should, it does allow for the reality that one person cannot always be everything their partner needs. My own master has a lot of needs that I cannot fill, and so he has other lovers and subs to make him happy. Our poly is mutual, and I am free to pursue other relationships if I choose, but I honestly don't feel the need for another physical relationship with someone else. (Between writing, painting and a full time job, I don't have the time or energy!)
If she is willing to try, the first option is for you to make her your primary relationship, in which she serves you in all the ways she can and ways that fill her needs, while you find another submissive or slave with whom you can fill your needs for more aggressive, primal activities.
There is nothing wrong with a purely sexual relationship with a sub or slave as long as you and that person are honest about what it is and what it is not. There are some submissives who, for whatever reason, would like a firmly compartmentalized sexual BDSM relationship -- usually they are in a primary relationship that, like yours, doesn't fill all their needs.
The catch here is whether your submissive/primary relationship can be happy this way. You absolutely cannot do this if she can't be happy. But the beauty of kink is that we are open to solutions and combinations to find what works for us, and not just what society accepts. Does she perhaps have any interest in sharing a slave with you? Something like that might allow you to enjoy getting your needs filled while still sharing the experiences with her.
If you pursue polyamory, you both need to study up on how these relationships should work and all the tools you'll need to do so. It doesn't always happen overnight.
2) You are honest with your submissive and cut her loose so you both can find another relationship that does work for each of you. You don't mention whether or not you enjoy a less aggressive sexual relationship with her that she finds enjoyable, but still want the other, or if what you do have with her simply doesn't satisfy you at all. (You also say you've tried it twice -- have you talked with her about if any of what you did worked for her at all, or was all of it bad for her? Is there a middle ground you both might be happy with? Many relationships don't work right out of the starting gate. That's why communication is so vitally important in BDSM.)
Sometimes we convince ourselves to love the person we think we should -because they are wonderful, loving, beautiful, etc… but all the "shoulds" in the world don't always work.
If you do this, and pursue a new relationship, you need to be careful of repeating the same pattern. I know dominants who find a new submissive with whom they have mutually great kinky D/s "sex" but then once they get to really know their submissive, they develop deeper emotional bonds and suddenly they can't enjoy hurting or using them they way they used to. This is not at all uncommon.
Should you find this happening, you may want to find a kink-friendly professional to talk to about whether you can overcome the conflicts to be more at peace with your needs, as well as working with a submissive to work through your issues. Or you just keep the two sides of yourself compartmentalized, find partners to fill those needs but above all you have to be honest with all parties.
(It IS possible to find a kink-friendly therapist or psychiatrist. Visit www.NCSFreedom.org to find their KAP (Kink Aware Professionals) list and see if there is someone in your area.)
3) The third option is what I mentioned above. You try to force yourself to give up something of who you are to make your relationship with your submissive work. It might, but you may also just make yourself miserable.
Any of these options are a gamble. Only you can decide what you really want.
I don't know of another "resource" other than networking in your local community or on FetLife to find other dominants who have experienced this -- they are out there -- that you can talk to about what coping mechanisms they have found. Sometimes just knowing you are not the only one with these feelings can help.
I wish you the best of luck, I really do.
In any case, thanks for sharing with me, and good luck.
RSS Feed
