Blog & Letters

CHEATERS & Seduction: WHO DO YOU TRUST?

6/14/2016

Dear Kate,

I'm fairly new to this all. I've known a man for 4 years now, he is much older than I which doesn't bother me, however I do think it has an affect on him. He's also recently married. He told me last night for the first time he wanted to make me his slave. Is it wrong that I want to be? I'm afraid to ask him "Why now?"

We've had sex a handful of times, but it was very basic. I always detected dominance from him in the way he talked to me during and after sex. He's told me on more than one occasion that he is "crazy" about me. And I think I am crazy about him too.

He asked me to seduce his wife. She is vanilla but has hinted to him that she wants to explore with another woman. Should I tell him how badly I want to? He's very honest with me, which is rare and scares me at times. Is it wrong I want to seduce her? Should I even being investing my time into this? Should I stay his slave or run the other direction? I wouldn't want to ruin what he has. Ever. And I know when the days comes for me he will be around to see it all but I don't want to upset him. I'm so confused. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you for your time,
M

Dear M:

What exactly is his relationship with his wife? I have complicated feelings about cheating, because I've been there and done that, and it was one of the most awful things I've ever had to deal with (I was the cheater, and I ended up confessing, and it was hell.)

Are you comfortable with seeing a man who cheats on his wife? I'm assuming he is cheating, unless they have an open relationship. If they did, I'd expect he would have told you.

I completely understand being attracted to someone in spite of all obstacles, but you have to ask yourself: can I trust him? It is impossible to be a slave or submissive to someone you can't absolutely trust, and here you have a man who is unable to keep the most clear-cut of promises: fidelity.

And to a woman he just recently married?

To be a slave or submissive, master or dom, you have to be completely honest. You cannot trust your life and health to someone if both of you aren't honest with each other. And his ability to be honest is already in question.

You say he's been honest with you…. but really, how would you know? He's telling you what you want to hear, and I know that because he wants to fuck you. A man always tells the woman he wants to fuck what she wants to hear, and always claims to be honest.

But the fact is that he's lying to the most important person in his life: his wife. And if he will lie to her, he will lie to you. If not already, then in the future. I know how exciting it feels to be his little secret, to feel like he can open himself to you in ways he can't to his wife. I know, I really do. If it's true that he really can say some things to you and not to his wife, it's because he hasn't got anything to lose with you. You are in a little box over here in the shadows; the rest of his life is out there in the open.

You say you don't want to "ruin what he has." He's the one ruining it, not you, but if you go along with this, that makes you an accomplice. You will feel guilty about this, sooner or later, and guilt is a terrible thing to drag around with you.

I am hoping that his request that you seduce his wife is just talk. Do you already know her, and this is why he thinks he might be able to push you both in that direction? Because that is the final straw for me -- that he's not just lying to her, cheating on her. Now he wants YOU to make his fantasies come true because he's too chicken shit to talk directly and honestly to her about branching out sexually. Worst of all, he's plotting to manipulate her into something that she might not actually be ready for, that could have big repercussions on her life and emotions. Does he want her to cheat on him to lessen his guilt?

Try to think beyond what you want right now.

Try to think beyond not wanting to upset him.

Ask yourself what kind of person you are, and what kind of person do you want to be.

Do you want a long-term open and honest BDSM relationship with someone? If you do, this isn't the guy, and you'll be wasting time, effort and probably a lot of pain in this relationship that isn't going to take you where you really want to go.

This is something I also know firsthand: Love a cheater, and you spend the rest of your life with him waiting for him to lie to you. At some point, you aren't sure you can even trust him when he says, "I love you."

This is of course just my opinion, but maybe there is something here that help you figure it out.

I wish you the best of luck.
Kate

Dear Kate,

I'm sure it's not open. And everything you've said is true and correct. I need to find someone who is willing to put in to something in the same aspect as I am. You've opened my eyes, and I couldn't be more thankful for you. Trust is a major thing for me and my stomach is telling me you're very right about him. I'd rather not ruin our friendship and potentially his marriage. I want something honest in a BDSM relationship and something that will last. I'm very monogamous by nature and i refuse to keep settling. I'm just comfortable with him and he took advantage of it I suppose. Maybe it's time I be brave and start exploring my local area.

I cannot honestly thank you enough for saying what you said. I needed that. And your words confirmed my gut feeling. I truly appreciate your time.

Dear M:

I'm glad I was able to help, even a little.

I do have a book available now, with all the advice I could possibly give to anyone. Just in case you're interested:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NC05X2K

Good luck to you. You seem to have a firm grasp of who you are and what you want, and I'm sure that you will do just fine. Be brave, be patient, and remember that you deserve good things.

0 Comments

Confused desires and feelings

10/10/2015

1 Comment

Kate, I have a question regarding the treatment of a submissive and a slave. I had a slave for over a year in which it was more of a sexual release for me and a learning experience for her. The relationship was not going anywhere other than for my personal satisfaction. (I know bad me).

Along came another lady that was very submissive and beautiful and she knew about my lifestyle from the get go. She said she wanted to be what ever I needed and did not want to share me with my former slave. I tried to treat her the same somewhat on two occasions and both times I felt bad and she did not enjoy it at all.

I still have these strong desire to be primal and very aggressive and I am not able to get these feelings out of my system with my submissive. She is a wonderful lady and I will end up marrying her, but I can't do the things to her I could do with my slave and enjoyed.

So I am at a cross road of my feelings and would like to ask if there is a resource that could help me resolve this conflict (outside of being stretched out and whipped senseless.) I fear that this conflict will get in the way.

Sincerely,
Dominant X

X, you have described a common problem for dominants, actually. To some extent, a lot of men (both kinky and vanilla) have issues along these lines regarding sex, love and which you can have with what kind of woman.

There is still that societal double standard, i.e. the "Madonna/whore" syndrome. Add to that the conflicts for dominant and/or sadists (and I mean sadist in the nonjudgmental way of totally consensual BDSM, not as non-consensual criminals and psychopaths) who are told "gentlemen don't hit girls" -- even when the girls like it and ask for it.

You've accomplished something just in recognizing you have this issue, and trying to understand it. Yes, it will definitely get in the way. As far as I can tell, you have three options.

1) You negotiate with your lovely submissive that (it sounds like) you love and want to make a life with. You are upfront and honest about how you feel about her, what you hope to have with her, but make it clear that you still have other needs that need to be met. You both have to understand that if you try to suppress the things you want and need for the sake of relationship with her, you run the risk of either resenting her at some point for not being able to fill that need for you, and/or fall into the trap of cheating to get what you need.

I practice polyamory, and while I am the first to say it is a hard road and doesn't always work the way it should, it does allow for the reality that one person cannot always be everything their partner needs. My own master has a lot of needs that I cannot fill, and so he has other lovers and subs to make him happy. Our poly is mutual, and I am free to pursue other relationships if I choose, but I honestly don't feel the need for another physical relationship with someone else. (Between writing, painting and a full time job, I don't have the time or energy!)

If she is willing to try, the first option is for you to make her your primary relationship, in which she serves you in all the ways she can and ways that fill her needs, while you find another submissive or slave with whom you can fill your needs for more aggressive, primal activities.

There is nothing wrong with a purely sexual relationship with a sub or slave as long as you and that person are honest about what it is and what it is not. There are some submissives who, for whatever reason, would like a firmly compartmentalized sexual BDSM relationship -- usually they are in a primary relationship that, like yours, doesn't fill all their needs.

The catch here is whether your submissive/primary relationship can be happy this way. You absolutely cannot do this if she can't be happy. But the beauty of kink is that we are open to solutions and combinations to find what works for us, and not just what society accepts. Does she perhaps have any interest in sharing a slave with you? Something like that might allow you to enjoy getting your needs filled while still sharing the experiences with her.

If you pursue polyamory, you both need to study up on how these relationships should work and all the tools you'll need to do so. It doesn't always happen overnight.

2) You are honest with your submissive and cut her loose so you both can find another relationship that does work for each of you. You don't mention whether or not you enjoy a less aggressive sexual relationship with her that she finds enjoyable, but still want the other, or if what you do have with her simply doesn't satisfy you at all. (You also say you've tried it twice -- have you talked with her about if any of what you did worked for her at all, or was all of it bad for her? Is there a middle ground you both might be happy with? Many relationships don't work right out of the starting gate. That's why communication is so vitally important in BDSM.)

Sometimes we convince ourselves to love the person we think we should -because they are wonderful, loving, beautiful, etc… but all the "shoulds" in the world don't always work.

If you do this, and pursue a new relationship, you need to be careful of repeating the same pattern. I know dominants who find a new submissive with whom they have mutually great kinky D/s "sex" but then once they get to really know their submissive, they develop deeper emotional bonds and suddenly they can't enjoy hurting or using them they way they used to. This is not at all uncommon.

Should you find this happening, you may want to find a kink-friendly professional to talk to about whether you can overcome the conflicts to be more at peace with your needs, as well as working with a submissive to work through your issues. Or you just keep the two sides of yourself compartmentalized, find partners to fill those needs but above all you have to be honest with all parties.

(It IS possible to find a kink-friendly therapist or psychiatrist. Visit www.NCSFreedom.org to find their KAP (Kink Aware Professionals) list and see if there is someone in your area.)

3) The third option is what I mentioned above. You try to force yourself to give up something of who you are to make your relationship with your submissive work. It might, but you may also just make yourself miserable.

Any of these options are a gamble. Only you can decide what you really want.

I don't know of another "resource" other than networking in your local community or on FetLife to find other dominants who have experienced this -- they are out there -- that you can talk to about what coping mechanisms they have found. Sometimes just knowing you are not the only one with these feelings can help.

I wish you the best of luck, I really do.
In any case, thanks for sharing with me, and good luck.

1 Comment

You are so welcome!

5/15/2015

2 Comments

I really can't tell you how much it means to me to know that I've helped someone just starting out. I remember those days so well, being new and oh, so eager! This is a letter I got recently:

Hi Kate
I have just read your book 'How to be..' and I want to thank you for making me realize I was about to make a very bad choice, simply out of my naivety. Looking at it now I can't believe what I was about to do! I am a total newbie, but made contact with a Dom on the Internet, just randomly. He was insightful but very pushy and was strongly saying we should meet. He knew I was totally inexperienced. I was about to go alone, to his house, to be put in bondage and play. I was so intoxicated with the idea of my fantasy becoming reality that I just turned off my brain! I was about half way through your book when it just clicked back on. I did not want this at all! Thank you for such good, straight-forward advice. It's been invaluable. I'm off to chat to some other newbie subs, make some friends and attend some munches (when I get up the courage). EVENTUALLY, I might be ready to meet some people to play with. I've slowed it the fuck down. Thank you.

2 Comments

think twice before you say "cheese!"

4/20/2015

0 Comments

Just when I am feeling all mellow and full of love for my fellow kinksters, someone writes me a letter that pisses me off.

it's not the person writing the letter than makes me angry. No, it's the situation or person that prompted them to write. They are asking for advice because some idiot/poser/asshole has told them lies, or made them ridiculous promises, or just plain bamboozled them with outrageous claims about their experience, their skill, their long list of collared slaves who allow them to do all kinds of terrible things to them without complaint.

Yeah, right.

One of the latest: a woman who asked about a so-called dominant who sent her videos he'd (supposedly) made of his other "slaves."

Now, I don't know if these videos were actually his. But what concerns me is that the woman who contacted me said the videos not only showed the women's faces but had their NAMES on them as well.

A lot of people like to make videos and take photos of their escapades. Nothing wrong with that. We've all been warned a thousand times by now how even a single photo can take on a life of its own, and how it can circulate around and around the vast spaces of the Internet from now until the end of time...

Think long and hard about who you trust to protect those intensely intimate photos and videos of you.

It's one thing to trust a commited partner -- though believe me, I've seen marriages turn into bitter shit-fests where photos and videos suddenly became ammunition in bloody warfare -- but in the kink community, a lot of people rush into things with people they hardly know. Newbies get talked into things that seem like a good idea at the time, or they don't have the confidence to say no to.

Think carefully before you allow someone to photograph or video you. Otherwise I may be getting a letter from someone else who just got YOUR photo/video from the so-called dominant who's trying to recruit them for his next feature film.

0 Comments

Fake Dominants and other assholes

4/20/2015

2 Comments

Dear Kate:

This is my first time every trying this. I met a dom through Meet BDSM. He wants me to drive 5 hours to him to play. He didn't want any limits from me as he said he has none. Won't answer every question. He told me what to buy to wear. Told me to bring water and Gatorade. Mind you, he has the means to provide this. Is this normal? Then he asked if I do a2m, gross.

I haven't met him yet. First he wanted to go to a hotel, then asked if I would come to his house. Thanks for your time.
-- Sunny

Dear Sunny:

What you are telling me is not good. I advise that you never, ever go to meet someone unless it is in a public place, and it is understood that you will NOT PLAY the first meeting, and you make sure someone knows where you are.

Anyone that won't use safe words is stupid, if not downright dangerous. Saying you can't use a safe word is like saying you can't say no, and you should ALWAYS have the right to say no, at any time.

This man doesn't sound like a dom; what you are describing is a domineering asshole who uses BDSM as a way to get a lot of blow jobs without having to do anything at all to satisfy you.

Is it normal that someone would ask this of you? Unfortunately yes, there are a lot of jerks online who ask for everything and give nothing. Is it normal that you should put up with this? Hell no. Drop this guy immediately. He is not worth your time.

You want to explore BDSM, I understand. But you have to be careful, you have to be smart. And just because you want to submit to a dominant does not mean you should submit to just anybody who says "I'm a dom."

A real dominant is confident, but not arrogant. He's comfortable being in charge, but he is not a bully who pushes you into things. A real dom is also a teacher, and he will answer your questions because he wants you to understand. Don't just listen to what a man tells you. Watch what he does.

And "a2m" as in "ass-to-mouth"? That's not uncommon for many sadists into humiliation play, but it is an actual health risk. There is bacteria in fecal material that can make you very ill. Frankly, the older I get, the less patience I have for so-called dominants who insist on this. It's basically a form of scat play, and you have a right to say no to it.

But please, don't waste anymore time on this person. Go to FetLife, join one of the discussion groups for submissives, and talk to people there. Read my book "How to be a Healthy and Happy Submissive" if you can. It's a fast and inexpensive download and tells you everything I could possibly explain to you about how this is supposed to work.

Good luck and a safe journey to you.

2 Comments

Is it normal to be so sensitive?

3/8/2015

2 Comments

Hello Kate:

I'm just starting a hetero D/s relationship with a man. We are both married to other people. We are both madly in love with each other. We have kept our relationship platonic. We made a vow to this until we are both free. That being said, we are both brand new at the D/s lifestyle, and we are mostly doing this through email exchanges thus far.

I need to ask is it normal as his sub to feel extremely sensitive to my Dom's corrections? Am I taking this too seriously? I don't know if I'm being too sensitive. I want to please him so much, and his instructions have sometimes been ambiguous, so we've had a few miscommunications. When he states his displeasure, it's pulling my heart strings. When a Dom says he displeased, are they really upset with you, or is it part of the play?

— Monica

Monica, what you're describing isn't unusual. Submissives are by nature eager to please, so they are especially sensitive to correction from their dominant. Actually, we don't even need to hear them say anything, most of the time. When I see disappointment on my master's face, I just want to crawl in a hole.

You ask if a dom is really upset, or is it part of the play? It depends on the context. If you're doing a school girl scene, and he frowns at you and says, "That skirt is entirely too short, Miss Thing. You need a spanking" -- that's part of the scene.

If he told you to wear no panties, and you're wearing panties, then he is probably upset with a valid reason.

I've known of some doms who will sometimes do things simply to keep their submissive off balance; that's a practice that frankly pisses me off. D/s relationships can't work if they aren't being honest at all times. Transparency is very important.

Some doms use that "play disappointment" as a part of humiliation play and/or emotional sadism, which works for some people, but not all. Pretending to be angry or disappointed with a sub who has genuinely tried his/her best is a terrible breach of trust, and to do it repeatedly, in my opinion, is a form of emotional abuse.

But you mention miscommunication, and that seems to me to be the heart of the matter. Of all the things both Dom and sub need to master, communication is the biggest. You can't be safe, you can't be honest, you can't be trusting if you can't communicate. No amount of skill with ropes or floggers is worth a hill of beans if you can't communicate.

You can learn a lot by how each of you reacts to miscommunication. Are you respectful when you tell him that you felt his instructions were unclear, or do you whine and accuse? Does he listen when you try to give him honest, respectful feedback, or does he get defensive and impatient?

Both of you need to sit and carefully consider the situation whenever there is a miscommunication or lack of clarity. Doms need to learn how to be better doms, just as we need to learn to improve in obedience and devotion.

If he has a valid reason for being displeased, and tells you so, then your job is listen. In your own mind and heart, think carefully about what has displeased him. Make sure that you have set aside your own ego, your own hurt feelings, and your own desire to be "right." Those are things a submissive needs to let go of if she wants to serve to the best of her abilities.

You mustn't ever be afraid or reluctant to speak up when you feel he's been unfair, but you must be sure you're being honest with yourself, and do it respectfully. And when you are in the wrong, you must suck it up; feel the hurt but don't let it turn you into a useless puddle on the floor. Put that energy instead to making amends and figuring out how you can avoid repeating the behavior that displeased him.

Monica's response:
I'm going to have to figure if he was being too hard on me for his displeasure. It stemmed from his initial instructions not being 100% clear. There was room for interpretation. Once we went back and forth about the matter a few times, he confessed that he realized his instructions were a tad loose. But, he did keep the point of being disappointed that I couldn't follow simple directions. This is where I get the mixed messages from. He's pretty strict on me already. However, I never argue or question his methods, thus far.

Is the "strictness" to be expected more in the beginning of D/s play and lighten up after boundaries have been established? I am very detail-oriented and I'm not being careless reading his instructions; it's when I've asked for clarification and/or told him I'm floundering to understand where he seems to get extremely impatient with me already. I guess I didn't know what to expect.

I ordered your book and a few other titles to get me better versed in this lifestyle. I do want to point out that it was I who asked him to be my Dominant. I have always had this characteristic within me, but never realized how I could put it to use. I'm very giving and worship the men I've been in love with, but have always been unappreciated in this regard. They always took me for granted, used me then throw me in the trash.

Now that I've met this man, we've connected on such a cosmic level, and now we both would like to go down this path.

I have been extremely respectful towards him. I'm so worried to make a mistake because I really want to make this work. We just commenced this altered state of consciousness last Monday. Supposedly he is a complete novice at it as well - we are both blazing this trail for the first time.

Thank you so much Kate. Your guidance means the world to me. Are there any submissive support groups for newbies like me?

If he's new to this, then you both need to take it slowly. It's hard for a new dominant to get a feel for just how dominant he needs or wants to be. The fact is, he can be any way he wants to be, as long as it works for you both. Some tend to overdo it in the beginning, for fear of someone finding out that they are unsure of themselves.

This is why I wish there were more mentors and books for dominants, because they need as much, if not more, guidance in the beginning as submissives.

An important component of a good dominant is confidence, and that comes with experience. In the meantime, a dominant needs to understand that he/she is not expected to be perfect, that is all right for them to ask for feedback from their subs, for them to admit when they have made a mistake and to correct it.

Often, people assume that being the dominant means they call all the shots and the sub just jumps to it. But a good dominant carries an enormous responsibility to mentor, to train, to motivate, and to care for his/her submissive or slave. A good dominant is supposed to help you grow and become not just a better submissive, but a better person.

His impatience may come in part from his own uncertainty about how to do this. When you question for more details, it forces him to realize that he either didn't communicate things well or think through all the ramifications of his instructions; hence he feels like he's been caught short and that embarrasses him. Or he could feel that you are questioning his authority, rather than his instructions.

I understand exactly what you mean about being detail-oriented, even outside of a D/s situation; I'm in a new job where I feel like I'm driving my boss crazy with just those sorts of questions, trying to anticipate possible obstacles or wanting to make absolutely sure I understand what and how she wants things done.

Everybody wants their subordinate to get things done, but until those subordinates learn exactly what is expected of them, and how much leeway "the boss" allows them in making minor decisions on their own, the detail-oriented subordinate or submissive can test their patience a little. That's where the boss needs to remember that he/she is teaching you how to please them, and to be patient. Every question the submissive asks is another opportunity for the dominant to guide them.

You, meanwhile, need to take an extra moment before asking him more questions; take a deep breath and see if you can make a reasonable deduction. I've learned to do this myself just recently. Sometimes in my eagerness, I start asking questions, and then realize I already have the information; I just got ahead of myself.

Again, you two need to discuss this. You need to make sure he understands your questions come out of the desire to please him, not to question his authority. It is perfectly acceptable to ask him for additional positive feedback.

Do you know if he is seeking out more information and education for himself? I do hope so.

As for support groups -- oh yes! If you have not joined FetLife.com yet, you should. It's like Facebook for kinky people.

FetLife has literally a thousand+ groups for all kinds of interests, orientations, kinks and fetishes. Take a look around, and join a couple of groups for submissives. You can read the discussion threads and post questions. This gives you feedback from all kinds of people with different kinds of experience. You will find that if you are wondering about some particular question, a dozen or more other people on the discussion group are wondering too.

Just keep in mind that, as with any group, online or in real time, there are idiots and assholes out there. Watch out for anyone who tries to tell you that their way of doing things is the only right way.

When you are on FetLife, you are welcome to send me a friend's request.

Hope this helps!

2 Comments

Love it or hate it... it's finally here

2/15/2015

2 Comments

It's here. That movie based on that book. You know the one. Fifty Shades of Grey.

God, I'm even tired of typing the name.

The Atlantic published an article that says everything I think about the book/movie, good and bad. The author, Emma Greene, says it better than I can or have:

Consent isn't Enough.

In the meantime, long-time writers of BDSM erotica — people who are brave enough to say, yeah, we do this stuff for real — have put out a FREE sampler of BDSM erotica. It's free, people. You can download it and be cuddled up with the finest BDSM smut around in no time flat.

Beyond 50 Erotica Sampler
While Valentine's Day is nice, my favorite holiday is February 15. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna curl up with my copy of the Sampler and a gigantic box of half price chocolate.

2 Comments

How do i find a caring dominant?

11/27/2014

3 Comments

Dear Kate:

I am very new to the lifestyle and I am having trouble finding a caring dom. There is this one guy who wants me as a slave not a sub. He promised he wouldn't share me but now has told me he wants to pimp me out for money and if he wants to share me, he will. I don't want to be demeaned like the videos he keeps having me look at and I told him I wasn't into females at all. Already he has demoted me to cook and housekeeper and another girl as his sex toy. Also discussed spankings but he wants to use a belt. When I said, no just hands, he said I was too demanding. We haven't even met yet. How can I find a caring dom?

— Jennifer

Dear Jennifer:

Well first of all…. tell this one to take a hike. Unfortunately, you find a lot of guys like him out there. He's either not "real" -- i.e. he just likes to talk about all this stuff online and never does it, so of course he's not concerned with the reality of what you want (or what he has a chance in hell of actually getting) — or he is an idiot who thinks that a dom is supposed to demand what he wants and then push and push until he gets it.

The way he has responded to you is NOT THE WAY THIS IS SUPPOSED TO WORK.

Don't waste another email on this person, because he is so completely not listening to you, let alone respecting your limits even in talking about a relationship, let alone building one. The good news is that he has shown his true colors before getting you to meet him in person, where he might have been very aggressive and possibly even abusive.

You have to be patient and keep looking. It's really no different than finding a vanilla lover/partner/spouse, actually harder because you have added to the list of specific qualities you're looking for. But you can find the right one if you're patient and refuse to settle for less than you really want.

Where are you looking? Have you joined Fetlife? If not, do so, and use the location guide to find a group in your area that has a munch. Meeting a group of like-minded people in real time and in a safe public environment is the best way to learn and network and protect yourself. Having friends who understand and support your journey will help you gain some experience and confidence in how to deal with potential partners.

On Fetlife, join a couple of discussion groups that appeal to you. Again, it helps you network and interact with people who could turn out to be what you're looking for in a partner, but at the very least, you make new friends. You can never have too many of those.

I have a new book you might want to take a look at: How to be a Healthy and Happy Submissive. It has all the advice I could ever give you on how to get started in the kinky world.

Good luck, and be safe. :)

3 Comments

Letter from a frustrated male submissive

11/23/2014

2 Comments

Dear Kate:

I'm a mature bisexual submissive bottom guy, searching hopelessly (so far) for a dominant master to discipline and use me. I live with my vanilla female partner who knows nothing of this side of me. Am I unreasonable in wanting to find a regular arrangement to satisfy my needs as a sub, whilst maintaining my 'normal' vanilla life? At any rate, I don't seem to be able to find any candidates for the role of master - never mind not accepting the first one that comes along! I can't really go to public meetings (munches or whatever), as it would be impossible to conceal this from my partner. I have registered on many contact sites, but the majority of people on these sites are not true doms. On BSDM.com, I even paid for a month's membership, and messaged several of the (few) people advertising in my area, but had not a single reply. I'm a member on fetlife, and have hardly any success contacting people on there, and nothing that has come to fruition. Am I just very unlucky to be living in an area (Gloucestershire, UK) devoid of possible matches, or are my requirements just too difficult/unreasonable to have any chance of success?

— Malcolm

Dear Malcolm:

I'm sorry that you've had no luck in finding what you want. It's frustrating, I know.

No, you are not at all "unreasonable" in wanting to find what you need. I do, however, see a couple of obstacles.

The first obstacle: you mention "mature." I don't know how old you are, but I am fifty-one myself, and the sad reality is that many of the people out there looking for play partners or even just fuck buddies spend most of their time running after much younger partners. While I have been collared to my master, Beast, for nearly 13 years, we are polyamorous, and I wouldn't mind another playmate — but there aren't a lot of men out there looking for fifty year-old women. Some, yes, but not nearly as many as are even now filling the email boxes of twenty-four year olds with far fewer brain cells than me.

(Sorry, that was meant as a joke, but came out kind of snarky, didn't it?)

The second obstacle: you feel you cannot get out and meet people. I don't judge your reasons for this, but that makes it hard to really get to know people. The good masters out there really want more than just emails and profiles — they want a chance to interact with you in person. Making friends with similar interests is a very important part of the networking that leads to finding the right partner or master.

And because you don't go out to events or munches, and because you want to keep this secret from your vanilla life partner, it puts some people off. They may get the impression that either you're just one of those guys who wants a little something on the side, and that you aren't seriously interested in building a real D/s relationship.

When I first started in this lifestyle, I thought I was a switch. I have dominant and sadistic tendencies, and so I sought out submissive male partners. But what I found overwhelmingly were married or committed men who weren't really interested in submitting to me or anybody -- they had very specific fantasies they wanted to act out, and they just wanted me to follow the script in their head.

Now, there's nothing wrong with wanting to experience certain things, like being fucked by a woman in a strap-on, as long as you are up front about what you really want. They didn't want to submit, they wanted kinky sex. I became really frustrated with men who had no interest in all in what I might want from them, and no interest in surrendering any of their power to me. What they really wanted was a hooker with a whip.

THE IMPORTANT POINT HERE:. There is a big, big difference between a kinky partner willing to act out your fantasies, and surrendering yourself to pleasing someone else. An actual dominant is not at all interested in the first, and a "merely" kinky partner, even with the best of intentions, may not have the personality or experience to give you the second.

I mention all this because you may need to consider what message you put out there with your profiles and emails. Are you really interested in submitting to someone, or do you just want kinky sex with a man? Be honest. Good dominants who are serious about D/s don't want to waste their time if they aren't sure you are really interested in submission. Among women, we read any mention of "discreet" as "he's married" and while not all women want a traditional monogamous relationship, it's often a turn-off.

Then there is the issue of keeping it secret. I understand, I really do, about wanting to keep your "normal" life separate and safe. I tried that myself. It was a complete mess. There is a special circle of hell for cheaters, and I've been there. Don't want to ever do it again.

People who are serious about D/s believe in honest and open communication. If you are lying to your vanilla partner, they often don't trust you to be honest with them.

You say you have had little success with contacting people on Fetlife. Are you just sending out emails asking for partners? Or are you participating in group discussions and trying to form some actual friendships? Because you need to do that. Fetlife is about social networking, not just a site for hookups.

I don't know about your area of the UK, but generally, there are kinky people all over. Tonight I went to Kinkos to have something printed, and ended up having a long conversation with the woman who took my order -- turns out she used to be pro domme.

I don't know if any of this has been helpful. I hope that you find what you are looking for. I know what it is to want it. Think about my suggestions, but you may also want to find a bisexual male who has been successful in finding a master, and ask him if he would just give you some advice on approaching possible partners. There may be aspects to homosexual and bisexual D/s I just don't know about. If you are approaching gay men, they may be put off by you being bisexual, because there are still people who think bisexuals are just confused about their orientation. (I know this isn't true, but there are those who believe it.)

At any rate… be patient, keep trying, but consider trying to make some friends among kinky folks all over, not just ones you hope to have a relationship with. Friends with whom you can discuss these things help a lot, and you need advice specific to submissive and gay/bisexual males that I just don't have.

Best of luck to you, Malcolm….. please consider talking to your vanilla partner. She may surprise you.

— Kate

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Can an Alpha Control Freak be a Submissive?

9/20/2014

2 Comments

I get a lot of questions from readers, and I do my best to answer them all. But it occurred to me that if one person is asking about a certain issue, there are probably others wondering the same thing.

So, with the kind permission of the inquiring readers, I'm going to start posting their questions and my answers here. I would ask that you buy my new book, How to be a Healthy and Happy Submissive, LOL, because that contains all the answers I have to give in a convenient, easily referenced place.

But today's email brings me this question:

Kate,

Good morning, I hope this message is finding you having an amazing start to your weekend! I am writing to you to ask for your advice.

I am not a submissive and because of my Alpha personality I do not know that I ever could be.....that being said there is a huge part of me that wants to experience it. I would love to be able to have my boyfriend and I experiment in that lifestyle and learn some things in order to have that as an option in our sexual arsenal. I am a control freak in my daily life (my job requires it) and I am also a full time single mother so I am basically in control of absolutely everything 24/7 and I have always found the concept of being submissive and having someone else take control so appealing but I am not entirely sure I know how to approach this with the guy that I am dating or where we would go to learn. I have an exceptional interest in being bound; the idea of having enough trust in someone to immobilize me and knowing that I cannot do anything except experience pleasure is such an incredible thought.

My other issue is that I am NOT a small girl at all. I am almost 5'10" and am over 200 pounds. I wear a size 16 jeans so I tend to be a little bit self conscious and that prevents me from being able to cut loose as much as I really want to. I am in the process of attempting to get more exercise and eat better but sometimes it is truly hard to do so.

I guess I am just asking if you think that this is just some kind of curiosity thing that I will be able to satisfy just by continuing to read up on it or if this is actually something that I should try to further explore.

Signed,
An Alpha Female

Dear Alpha:

First of all, what you are describing is not the least bit unusual. With everyone except my master (and sometimes even with him, lol!) I am very much an Alpha myself. There are many strong, independent women and men who enjoy some level of submissive precisely because it does allow them to finally let go and simply be in the moment without having to be in control of it. I don't know if you've read "Fifty Shades of Grey," but in the real world, Christian Grey is far more likely to be a submissive than a dominant.

There are also people who consider themselves switches because they enjoy doing both. Sometimes they are the dominant partner, sometimes they like being the submissive partner.

A lot of people think that submission and dominance have to be somehow "permanent" decisions that describe you twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. For a small percentage of people, it is, but far more people use D/s (dominance/submission) as something to spice up their relationships, that they engage in only on "date nights" or when the kids are out of the house. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a little role play just to have fun and add another dimension of intimacy to your relationship.

You also mention being interested in bondage. You can enjoy bondage without a submissive at all, though it certainly enhances the experience. There are people who enjoy doing a lot of things associated with submission — bondage, spankings, etc. — without ever giving up any of their personal power. They just like doing that particular activity.

Should you try to explore this? Definitely! You don't want to be ninety years old on the porch of the nursing home thinking, "You know, I wish I'd tried X, Y and Z back then." Talk to your boyfriend about it. Just tell him you read something or saw something and was thinking it might be kinda hot to be tied up and teased. He'll probably like the idea. He might even say, "Cool! Can you tie me up afterward?"

My only concern is that you do it SAFELY. Rope bondage can be tricky, because there is a right way to tie someone up and lots of wrong ways. You want to make sure that you or your partner tie a knot that is easy to untie in case something unexpected happens. Even if you are tying a "safe" knot, get a pair of EMT scissors and keep them nearby, just in case you get a muscle spasm or a panic attack or your mother shows up at the front door unexpectedly. Don't use handcuffs -- they are uncomfortable, people always lose the key, and they can cause nerve injury if used for extended periods.

A even better option is a nice soft set of ankle and wrist cuffs. You can adjust them to fit you, and attach them with a carabiner to a rope tied to the bed. Easy on, easy off, and you can buy them online or at the local adult bookstore.THEN if you enjoy that, you can get a book on bondage that shows how to tie knots and things, if you want to go that far.

There are lots of books out there that can give you hints on how to talk to your boyfriend, how to tie knots, all the ways you can role play and experiment. In fact, I just wrote one, lol. Mine is especially slanted toward how to begin exploration and how to find your local kinky community to learn more in person from experienced kinksters.

But you can also try Jay Wiseman's SM 101, or his specifically bondage book or Dr. Gloria Brame's Come Hither.

And about your size…. good lord, girl! We weight about the same but I'm about eight inches shorter! I understand being self conscious, believe me, but life is too short to let it stop you from enjoying yourself. Don't be intimated because all the books and movies show these skinny little barbies doing this stuff. In real life, all ages, shapes and sizes do this and have a damned good time.

I wish you the best of luck!

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